Sex is not always great. That is a fact, not a hot take. My first time doing "it" involved tears, and I was in love. Through the years, there have been many times that I have caught myself thinking, "Can this be over now?" as opposed to, "This is magical." A broad generalization would posit that men love any and all sex, while women prefer sex with a side of emotions. This sounds like some old fashioned BS. In actuality, what makes sex good for men and women? Are those gender norms based in any reality?
There are some physical and societal realities to consider in thinking about the stereotypes surrounding both women and men when it comes to sex. Traditionally, when we hear "sex," we think of penetrative sex between a heterosexual couple. Fun fact: According to a Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy 2017 study, only 18.4 percent of women reported orgasming from penetration alone.
Society pretty much defines sex around the male orgasm. Add porn and the portrayal of women in movies, and suddenly we're all living in a real world where men are taught to sleep with lots of women to be "cool," while women are often slut-shamed if they have multiple partners. All of this is to say, I don't think all men love all sex, and I don't think all women need to be in a committed relationship to have great sex.
I poked around Reddit to find out what real men and women on the internet considered "good sex," and here's what I found:
Overwhelmingly, Men Want To Know You're Into It
"A partner who's really into it. One who isn't a dead fish, who isn't just going through the motions. But who is actively participating and just as into it as I am."
"Enthusiasm. I love when a woman isn't too shy to show me how into it she is, especially if she's as eager to please me as I am her."
This makes sense. In fact, you should exclusively sleep with partners who actually want to sleep with you, too. (We call that consent.)
Gay Or Straight, Men Care About Connecting During Sex
Eye contact. Him looking me dead in the eye and knowing he wants it.
I could so easily imagine these "best part about sex" replies being called "feminine" but I actually think they are super manly. Men are humans too, and humans like connecting.
Of course, there were some sassy responses, such as:
Overall, Men Just Like To Know That You Are Into Them
That she digs me
These types of responses were the most common on this particular Reddit thread, which confirms my belief that generalizations are trash and we shouldn't pay attention to them.
Women Also Love Enthusiasm In The Bedroom
He is enthusiastic, intuitive, takes direction well, and genuinely loves everything about sex (and sex with me).
Enthusiasm goes a long way for me, particularly when paired with a noteworthy level of confidence - not *sshole-levels of confidence, but more along the lines of 'I know how to have amazing sex and I'm going to f*ck you like you deserve to be f*cked.'
Takeaway: Sex is definitely not the time to curb your enthusiasm, Larry David be damned.
OK, So Women Do Love Connection
My favorite sexual encounters have been with men and women who I have a strong and intimate attachment with. Nothing is better than having a partner you have loving feelings toward and who is equally enthusiastic about you and about what you're doing.
Including open communication in bed:
He's super open-minded, nothing is taboo- no shame, honest communication about self-doubts, a willingness edit: strong desire to explore.
I do agree that a partner who knows how to communicate is the sexiest type of partner around.
There Were Also A Lot Of "Upvotes" For Cunnilingus
He views going down on me not so much as "foreplay" but as one of the main events of any given sex session, since it's the thing that gets me off and he loves doing it. He's also really good at taking direction on what to do and what not to do, without getting offended or insecure about it. And he always wants to cuddle afterward.
Oh man. There are guys who say "My dick should be enough." It's never enough, man. I don't care if a d*ck is diamond-studded and ejaculates rainbow glitter, it is NEVER enough.
Yup, and science agrees with you, ladies. In fact, way more women on the thread mentioned a partner who was willing to go down on them than men who mentioned blow jobs. Stereotypes about men being more interested in the physical: wrong again.
On that note of "eff generalizations," I admit that I don't think it's possible to generalize what every man or woman thinks makes for great sex from a few Reddit threads; we are all individuals with different wants and needs. I was, however, surprised that men seemed to care a lot more about the actual experience that their partner has during sex than society would have us believe.
Lastly, I want to shout out to all of the women on the thread being honest about P in V sex not being enough to get them off. (Same.) Now here's a wild idea: Ask your partner what they like best during sex and try that. Tonight.
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