A few weeks ago, I was out with a girl that I’m dating and her friends. One of her friends teased her about her college threesome, and I was like, "Oh yeah, I went through a threesome phase too,” and she was like all like, "Phase?" I was like, ".... Yeah." So, yes, maybe I have had more than the average one-time threesome, and I’m a wiser slut because of it. So what can I offer to you, babe? I can be your threesome spirit guide. Here's what a threesome is like, as told through 20 lessons I learned during my the-more-the-merrier phase.
So you’ve decided to have a threesome? Fabulous! There’s some things you should be prepared for, beyond the normal shower-shit-shave you do to prepare for one-on-one sex. You know the basics — after all, this is still sex. But from figuring out how to procure a threesome to actually doing the deed, your night is about to become a little more wild than usual. Get ready for flailing limbs, intense feelings, and hopefully a whole lotta orgasms. Oh, and a scheduling tip: make sure to go back to whichever apartment has the biggest bed. Let's get to it: here's everything I wish I had known before my first threesome.
In college, I had this super confident girlfriend who, like, totally broke my heart but that’s beside the point. She showed me how easy is to procure a threesome. We’d beat our faces to perfection (the more black eyeshadow, the higher chance of a threesome), take shots (the more tequila, the higher the chance of a threesome) and go to the bar, make eyes at someone, say “We think you’re hot,” buy them a drink, and boom. I mean, there’s more to it, but you get the gist.
My dear straight allies, I love you, but your requests for me to be your “unicorn” just because I'm a lesbian can be hella creepy. Unless someone explicitly says they're up for that, it's aggressive to ask.
It’s really creepy to be like, "My boyfriend wants you as a gift for his birthday." Am I a candle? A gift card to Target? (Unless you’re into that, then by all means, rock on. This is just my personal preference.) But enough of explaining why this sh*t is problematic. This is supposed to be fun!
If I had known how naturally threesomes can happen sometimes, I would’ve been more prepared that time I was wearing underwear from seventh grade with holes in them.
My college threesomes were less about sex and more about contortionism. How TF did we all fit in one twin bed?
I wish I would’ve had this genius idea earlier instead of worrying if I tasted like sweat, and fully realizing the guest star did.
Just like life, sex is messy and awkward. Especially the foreplay. It’s impossible to three-way kiss, try as you might. It’s going to take you a minute to figure out where to put all those flailing limbs and body parts. And while switching positions with one partner might be seamless, somebody has to make executive decisions on the fly about where all these body parts will be going next. You need to be comfortable with openly communicating, and laughing if someone’s ass unexpectedly ends up in your face.
An ex and I realized the depth of our love for each other while a muscular Greek guy was fingering both of us at the same time. Sometimes it takes a third person in the bedroom to make you realize you only want one.
But sometimes someone gets left out and it’s weird.
It’s a lot going on. Someone might come super quick, and whoever is doing them might be taking longer, and the person sitting on their face might be really into it, but now it’s time to switch positions and… well, this is getting complicated, and now you’re in your head, and you’re focusing on looking sexy while you’re trying to ride someone and kiss someone else at the same time and you just can’t orgasm. Don't sweat it. There's always next time.
I used to love Four Loko (I know, I’m ratchet.) The aforementioned Greek guy tasted super weird, so my girlfriend and I kept making him take sips of watermelon Four Loko to mitigate his taste. At least the drink was tasty, though.
Honestly an ideal position so all three of you can be engaging at once. One sitting on top of your genitals of choice, one sitting on a face, and then the two people on top can make out. Fabulous!
Is it over when we all come? (Hopefully more than once. I'd like at least five orgasms, please.) Is it over when we all run out of positions? Is it over when you're dying to kick the third person out of bed so you and your favorite person can snuggle? Who knows.
I wish I would’ve known that it’s okay to change my mind about the course of the night, even if I had previously agreed to a threesome. Sometimes the idea of something seems hot, and then it happens, and you’re like, "F*ck no." This happened to me in college when I was still trying to convince myself I might enjoy sleeping with men. It turns out I don't. At all.
I wish I would’ve known how disorienting, exciting, and flat-out weird it can be to feel someone else’s body when you’re so used to your partner. It’s hot AF, thrilling, and gives you a new appreciation for your partner. Be prepared though, it can get you in your ~feels~.
You might have feelings of rage ignited in you didn’t know you had. I could feel my blood boiling watching my ex-girlfriend go down on another girl. Other times, it can be hot. Listen to your gut. Alternatively, the guest star can get obsessed with you. (Remind me to tell you the rugby lesbian story sometime.)
I wish I would have known this could happen, but the first threesome I ever had, my girlfriend left me for the guest star. Honestly can’t blame her though. That girl was hot AF.
You’d think we’re over this sh*t as adults, but nope. If you have three-way sex with someone in your friend group, just know there is a group chat popping off about you somewhere.
I’ve left threesomes, singing in my head, "Two bitches at the same time, synchronized swimmers."
When the vibe is right, they are so. F*cking. Hot. Be confident, you got this!
So if you’re about to embark to the wonderful world of threesomes, imagine me there, your lesbian threesome spirit guide, whispering all my threesome sweet nothings in your ear. But I’m just there in spirit, babe. Unless you want to try a foursome?
