There are many times where it would be inappropriate to say, "This feels so good." Particularly: on a first round job interview, in line at the DMV, or when purchasing Flamin' Hot Cheetos at your bodega (though you want to). Say, "This feels so good" in bed, however, and you are actually being quite polite. Sex = next-level intimacy that allows us to say very interesting things without being judged too harshly. In fact, examples of the weird things guys say in bed scattered around Reddit made me realize that like Jon Snow, I know nothing.
What is it about sex that makes us so uninhibited? (Ideally.) Well, without getting too scientific, the act itself is a way to reproduce, and thus innately animalistic. Pheromones and survival of the fittest and whatever else goes on deep down in our subconscious lead us to straight up smush our bodies together without being like, "Oh, is this weird?" Meanwhile, get a piece of kale stuck in your teeth on a dinner, and you feel awkward forever.
Sex is WEIRD, friends. In honor of the weirdness of this thing we do with people we love (or whatever) I sought out the weirdest things men have said to women in bed on the weirdest place on the internet — good old Reddit. Here they are:
1. This Woman's Bae Really Likes Star Wars
Weirdest thing I've heard, having sex with my boyfriend, He cums, sighs then says 'HAN SOLO!' in jabbas voice. I laughed SO hard
I love how nerdy this is. Now for the big question: Was he picturing himself as Han Solo, or was the thought of Han getting him going? Hmm... either way, sounds like these two should get into cosplay.
2. This Woman's Date Thought It Was Opposite Day
"it's so hot you're not on birth control"
I mean, I get a lack of birth control might be hot if you were trying to have a baby, but most dudes on OKCupid dates aren't exactly dreaming of paying child support, you know?
3. This Woman Lived My Nightmare
Hi Mom (after picking up his phone..)
Not sure how real this is because, you know, the internet, but OH MY GOD. If your mom-complex comes all the way into the bedroom, no thank you, no thank you. I'm cringing forever for this dude.
4. This Woman Lived My Double-Nightmare
Once an ex told me to pretend to be his 12 year old sister and that if I sucked his dick, it would give out candy. Why that would weird me out? Oh I don't know...
EW. This user followed up commenting that "Skittles dick didn't have a sister" but still... how about no to incest and no to underage children. Yuck.
5. This Woman Also Dealt With A Vaguely Incest-y Reference
"Sit on daddy's lap."
This is especially creepy when you don't see it coming, like, I'm picturing a totally successful and normal dude suddenly going full "I'm your daddy" when the lights go off. Nope.
6. This Woman's Partner Was Weirdly Specific (And Mean)
"You know if you worked as hard as Molly (our teammate) your body could be as nice as hers."
First off, it's probably not a great idea to comment on the person you are sleeping with's body unless it is in a positive way. Second, WTF dude? Let's not bring Molly up. Molly is probably sleeping with super hot Chad with the six pack anyway, so chill.
7. This Woman's Partner Said One Solitary Animal Name
This is a friend whose partner mistook her saying doggy for "donkey" and proceeded to shout "donkey" back in the throes of passion. I enjoy this miscommunication because a literal "ass" was involved, rather than just the slang version.
All in all, I think we're all a little bit weird when it comes to saying things in bed. Some good takeaways would be: steer clear of family stuff, including incest stuff, don't be a jerk when someone is sleeping with you, and if you shout whatever comes to mind first, it's probably going to be weird. Like "Donkey" or "Han Solo." Saying words during sex is like a weird version of that elementary school game "telephone". Enjoy it.
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