Before getting married, some people meet with their religious leader to discuss their relationship. If you're religious, you might want to meet with the person who leads your congregation to discuss your relationship before you and your partner get married. Thanks to their experience working with couples, some religious leaders can even be considered relationship experts. The relationship rabbi, Rabbi Judy Greenfeld, has observed signs and red flags you should be aware of before you walk down the aisle, no matter what your religious affiliation is.
As a rabbi, it is Greenfeld's duty to offer guidance and support to couples on the road to marriage. But she makes clear that even when she sees red flags in a couple, it is their duty to come to the conclusion they are not right for one another.
"I do not believe that it is my place to advise a couple to marry or not marry," Greenfeld tells Elite Daily. "It must be a personal, adult decision that comes from each individual."
Furthermore, Greenfeld thinks there is a divine aspect of marriage. "Who am I to say what is [the Hebrew word] b'shert, or 'meant to be'," she says. "Some people may call this luck, but I believe this is all part of the journey, and that all the 'issues' that come up are 'opportunities' to grow together and apart."
Here are the signs you and your partner shouldn't get married (yet), according to Greenfeld.
Greenfeld says that the definite reason to not marry your partner is if they are emotionally or physically abusive. "Remember, if your partner cannot 'listen' to you, that is abuse," Greenfeld says.
If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, please dial 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), a 24-7 available number from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which provides sources from trained advocates.
Marriage is a commitment to a lifelong partnership. If you continually find yourself caving to your partner, there could be a deeper issue with your ability to compromise as a pair.
You should be able to vocalize and work through issues that pop up, and not simply brush your opinion under the rug in order to make your partner happy. This is a sign Greenfeld says to look out for before getting married.
When entering a marriage, you should know everything about your partner and not have any important secrets. One thing Greenfeld specifically says is a huge red flag is if you are unaware of a partner's previous addictions. If your future spouse has a history of alcoholism or drug addiction that they're not sharing with you, that could be a problem.
Greenfeld knew an interfaith couple – the groom was Jewish, the bride Catholic — who planned on incorporating traditions from both religions into their future children's lives. Their difference in faith wasn't wasn't and issue.
But the bride could not move past the thought that, according to her Catholic beliefs, her future husband would go to hell since he wasn't baptized.
"This became bigger than the love they shared," Greenfeld says. "She was devout and afraid to compromise, and her ability to update or defy what was ingrained within her was too much." The couple did not get married.
Even if you have different political affiliations or faiths – which by no means indicate a marriage won't work – you need to make sure you are on the same page about your fundamental beliefs and values.
Meaning, how do you treat other people? What are deal-breakers for each of you? What constitutes as cheating? These are all things you should discuss with your partner before getting married so you know exactly what you're getting into.
Money issues can be a huge strain in any relationship, and you will want to sort out any disagreements on how to handle money before getting married. Do you want to eat at home a certain number of nights per week to save for an end-of-year vacation? Do you prefer that you both put away a certain percentage of your income to savings? Talk about this before saying "I do."
Luckily, Greenfeld thinks most of these issues are fixable. "The good news is when a red flag comes up, I believe everything can be worked on and achieved," she says.
