The One Reason You Should Text Your Ex, According To A Therapist
If you and your old boo used to text everyday, it may feel second nature to grab your phone every time you see a funny vanity plate or get a promotion at work. No matter how long you and your ex have been broken up, it can be tricky to find the perfect texting balance. And if your last breakup left you completely heartbroken or you haven't talked to your ex in a while, it's natural to wonder if there are any reasons that you should text your ex again.
Whether you're feeling upset and unsettled about how the breakup happened and you want to send some spicy texts about it or if you're thinking that you want to see your ex again — the end of a relationship can come with a mixture of feelings. With the lingering pain and confusion of heartbreak, it's not always easy to know what the best way to move forward is. According to Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, and well-being coach, taking some space and time for yourself after a breakup (i.e. not texting your ex every time you want to) can be the first step in really starting to heal. "A breakup is also a time for an individual to get back in touch with themselves," Melamed tells Elite Daily. "Too much contact can be distracting or interrupt the process of healing."
Of course, if you and your partner shared a pet together or you both play on the same intramural team, Melamed attests that it may feel impossible not to talk to them after a breakup. "A lot of times, couples will have shared responsibilities that could outlast the relationship that require communication and coordination," Melamed says. "In these cases speaking is inevitable." If you and your partner lived together or you have the same friends, texting after a breakup may be a helpful way to communicate.
Still, Melamed shares that if you're not totally over the breakup, speaking to your ex can prolong your own healing — especially if they're starting to see new people or have moved on themselves. If you stopped going to painting classes during your relationship or you spent the last nine months helping your ex edit their resumé to help them get a new job, the end of a relationship can be a great time to fully invest back in yourself and your happiness. And according to Melamed, once you start to put all your time and energy back into living your own life — you may find you don't really feel any need to reach out to your ex.
Still, Melamed shares that the one reason you may want to reach out to to an ex is when you're ready to move on and you have some logistical things to sort out. "To get them to come pick up the rest of their stuff!" Melamed said. "To let them know you need space." According to Melamed, after a while, it may feel right to thank your ex for the good times in your relationship. If you're at their favorite bar or you're doing a hike you used to do together, sending a short text can be a sort of "pour one out" way to acknowledge and celebrate the past. Of course, if you're never trying to go anywhere you went with your ex or you feel no need to thank them — that's perfectly OK too. If they've picked up all their things from your space and you're living happily without them, there's no need to reach out if you're not trying to talk. And if you still text your ex everyday or if you and your ex have your own agreement — no one knows your relationship better than you do. If you are both on the same page about your texting, whatever happens in your inbox is totally up to you.
There's no one way to handle a breakup. If you're thinking about texting your ex, it could be time to check in with your own feelings about the breakup. If you're really feeling over it, sending a logical or sentimental text may be a healthy way to communicate with an ex. And if you're never trying to talk to them again, there's no reason you have to. When it comes to texting an ex, you get to make your own rules — and that's a direct message.