It's Thanksgiving! A time of harvest, of gratitude, and of harmful comparisons made between you and everyone at your family dinner. We all have those relatives we can't stand, and this year won't be any different. Also, let's look at it this way, we're all one organism living in many bodies, so whichever relative is pissing you off the most is actually a part of you too. I swear to God I'm not on acid right now. This is all just to segue into telling you the annoying relative you are at Thanksgiving, based on your zodiac sign. You might as well strap in and get ready to get pissed, because you're not gonna like what I have to tell you. Especially if you're one of those people who vehemently defends yourself in the comments section.
So, if you can appreciate a good laugh, I'd encourage you to read on. Although, only the bravest of you need apply. As for the rest of you, well, you're the relative that can't take a f*cking joke and should probably bring a Xanax to dinner so you don't die of stress. Remember that taking yourself too seriously is the death of all things fun.
Aries: The Cousin Just Back From Whatever New Thing They're Into
Aries are always running from one thing to the next, like boredom is going to chase them down and strangle them. This eventually makes them feel a lot like a bucket with a hole in the bottom; they can't stop going a mile a minute from one thing to the next. At least they'll be the first to do the dishes, and they'll definitely be down to entertain you with their wildest stories from the year.
Taurus: The Drunk Uncle
Taurus likes to imbibe, and they happen to be a pretty lazy bunch when there's food around. Not to mention, they're stubborn as hell. So you can bet that they'd be the celestial drunk uncle around the Thanksgiving table, not knowing what he's arguing about, but knowing that he's RIGHT.
Gemini: The Middle Child
Gemini is going to have to be the zodiac's middle child. They're constantly talking, looking for someone to argue with, asking for attention, and begging people to care. They're also constantly gossiping and starting sh*t, just stirring the pot to make things more interesting for them.
Cancer: The Stressed Out Mom Crying In The Bathroom
Cancer, if you could just stop trying to please everyone, you could really make a killer turkey. You just get so stressed out at the pressure and start crying into everything and, well... all your Thanksgiving dishes taste like tears. You need to calm down.
Leo: The Fun Aunt
Leo is the one who rolls up to Thanksgiving party late, with a "friend" they may or may not be f*cking in the attic later. They're freewheeling, but they're so damn fun. Plus, what they didn't bring in Thanksgiving sides, they make up for in Thanksgiving booze. More fuel for drunk uncle Taurus!
Just because your granddad fought in WWII doesn't mean he knows how to open a can of cranberry sauce better than you do, but you wouldn't tell HIM that. He gets most of his confidence by just waltzing up to you when you're doing something, and telling you "you're doing it wrong." Then showing you how he would do it (the same way) and feeling like a hero. Every Virgo can relate.
Libras are the artistic step mom, the one who gets WAY too into the decorations because a) they don't want to step on anyones toes or upset the balance of power in the kitchen and b) because they're better at decorations than they'll ever be at stuffing a bird.
Scorpio: Your Emo Cousin
Everyone has a cousin that was a sweet little angel when they were younger, then comes to Thanksgiving one year looking like the angel of death. You pass it off as a puberty thing, but every year they come back with more eyeliner, and you start to realize this is just who they are now. That's Scorpio.
Sagittarius: Your Grandma
Your grandmother doesn't seem to notice the fact that everyone in the family is arguing, or that your emo cousin is saying a prayer to satan at the dinner table. She's just happy to be here, surrounded by friends and family, and her oblivion is charming, at least until she says something so offensive that the whole table goes silent for a full minute. At least she got everyone to stop fighting. This is Sagittarius.
Capricorn: The Cousin Who Is An Only Child
You know the cousin, the one who always sucked at sharing and just sits in the corner laughing about how everyone is so inept. Forget the fact that she's literally 12 years old, she thinks she could run Thanksgiving better than anyone, and by the time she turns 20, she'll actually try. That is the last time you'll have to spend a Thanksgiving with her again. That's Capricorn.
Aquarius: Your Fun Aunt's Friend
Aquarius is the weirdo friend of your aunt who shows up in a tie-dye tee shirt with hula hoops for all the kids like this is Woodstock Christmas or something. The friend that won't stop talking about their first time at Burning Man, where they learned for the first time that they had psychic powers from a "healing clown" named Sparkles.
Nobody knows what the hell to make of this character, but one thing we all know: Granddad doesn't like them.
Pisces: The Clueless Dad
We all know how dads are at Thanksgiving: glued to a TV, neither above the fray nor a part of it. Pisces, like your dad, is here for the food. They'll help if they're asked, but for the most part they can be seen eating and napping.
Later on, when people are complaining about so-and-so's behavior at the table, Pisces won't remember who was even there.