Texting someone you really like is both the best and the worst thing ever. On one hand, the butterflies and anticipation can feel totally exhilarating, but on the other — if you're anything like me — the anxiety around when and what to text can be excruciating. There are just so many unwritten rules about who should text whom first and how often you should message them. You don't want to over-do it, but still, you also shouldn't feel like you can't be in control of your own destiny by waiting to text someone you like, right? Ugh, so complicated! So, what's the right answer? Do you have to wait for them to text you? Or is it OK to take the initiative and make the first messaging move?
To help answer that question, I reached out to relationship expert and host of the Dates & Mates Podcast Damona Hoffman and Diana Dorell an intuitive dating coach and author of "The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again" to ask if sending the first text is actually a relationship killer. Here's her advice on how to avoid any obvious texting pitfalls.
If you’ve ever twisted your stomach into knots over whether to text someone you like, only to give and send a message and then immediately panic, well then, good news, turns out sending that message was totally fine. In fact, Hoffman says, “you should never wait to text someone you like initially.” Whew! However, she does caution, “if you've already sent a text or you've already initiated text threads a lot, you don't want to come off over eager.” She also adds, “but if you like someone and want to talk to them, anyone can make the first move — regardless of gender.”
Dorell agrees, for the most part. However, she does mention that by making the first move, you may be setting a precedent for the dynamic of the relationship moving forward. “It all depends on whether or not you want to be the pursuer in the relationship or not,” says Dorell. “There is no right or wrong, but what is established early on tends to continue throughout the relationship and courtship. If you don't want to be the pursuer then wait for them to text you/take action first and use that giddy feeling to just focus on yourself and the things you love. You may send out this unconscious magnetic vibe that is very attractive! If you do want to be the pursuer, go for it! They will appreciate it and you'll be on your way to setting up a date.” It's important to remember that while this can sometimes be the case, one text isn't necessarily a predetermination of the course of your entire relationship — so don't sweat it!
Feeling empowered to text your potential boo? Great! Just don't over-do it. Hoffman says to make sure you are always reading the room so you gauge when to pull back on the texting. “Don't text if you are always the one initiating or if you're getting one word replies,” she says. “Texting is a gauge of interest so you need to make sure you're getting something back before you proceed.”
Why is this important? Well because, “texting inappropriately can be a complete relationship killer,” warns Hoffman. “People use texts as a way to see if the relationship can and should progress to the next level so if you can't keep your cool texting, you probably won't be getting another date.”
Another thing to be cautious of when texting, warns Hoffman, is the overshare. “People tend to be more open via text than they are face to face so be careful how much you reveal in your messages. Sometimes too much is... well, just too much!”
Just remember — everyone is different. Some people prefer 24/7 communication, while others would rather wait for IRL chats. Just because you overshare, doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is six feet under. Talk to your partner about it first!
If you’re reading this article because you may have just accidentally made a messaging mishap and want to know what to do, Hoffman advises playing it cool. “If you played it wrong, first, acknowledge the error and then step back and let the other person take initiative.”
According to Dorell, the best thing to do in this situation is to, “go radio silent.” She adds, “If [they’re] interested, let [them] come to you.” Not only will you find out how they really feel, but Dorell says the silence will likely make them wonder why you’re being quiet and encourage them to reach out. In this case, “action speaks louder than words.”
Ultimately, when it comes to texting — go for it. Take your destiny into your own hands (literally) and reach out. Remember that everybody reacts differently and what may seem overeager to some, can read as affectionate to others. So above all else, be yourself and follow your gut, along with your heart.
Check out the entire Gen Why series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.
Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!
