If You're Having Sex With Your Partner Less Often, Here's How To Change That

by Ginny Hogan

Relationships can require a lot of balance, which is part of the joy. You get to grow together as you figure out how to integrate your partner into your life. However, in the balancing act that is life and love, things can occasionally fall by the wayside, and you'll realize you and your partner are having less sex. This doesn't have to be a bad thing; our sexual desires ebb and flow, and sometimes you or your partner crave sex less. Still, if you are trying to have more sex with your partner, there are steps you can take, as long as your partner also wants more sex. I spoke with experts to get their thoughts on how to increase the amount of sex between you and your beau.

If you’re having less sex because of general life engagements, consider scheduling time for sex. While sending a calendar invite may not seem romantic, it can demonstrate how much you care about making time for your partner and their needs. “We make time for what is important, so block out time for physical intimacy (which may not necessarily be for sex)," Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee tells Elite Daily. "With more touch (a massage, for example), sex is more likely to happen." For me, my calendar represents the things I’m most interested in doing (which is why ice cream is in there multiple times/week), and once something’s on the calendar, it gets done. So, consider sending your partner a romantic calendar invite (to their personal email — who knows what their boss can see), in an effort to enhance your sex life.

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Be sure to communicate your sexual needs to your partner. Starting with questions is a great way to make your partner feel like they’re being heard. "Communication is lubrication," Cam Poter, the co-host of Sex Talk With My Mom podcast, tells Elite Daily. "A first step to having more sex might be to just tell the person how you're feeling. Get creative with the way you express desire; e.g., whisper in his/her ear, send a flirty sext while they're at work, leave a post-it on the bathroom mirror." It can be tough to talk about what you need sexually, particularly if your desires have changed, but it’s important that you're clear with your partner and also that you account for how much sex they'd like to have. “Ask for a time to bring this up and be honest, vulnerable and sincere.” Dr. Lee says. Clear and unambiguous communication offers a chance to flirt, while also alerting your partner to your sexual needs. There's always a chance that your partner does not want to have more sex, but you won't know until you open the communication.

Making your partner feel sexy can be an exciting and uplifting method to broaching the topic of having more sex. "People enjoy feeling desired, but they do not want to feel like sex is an obligation," KarenLee Poter, the co-host of Sex Talk With My Mom podcast, tells Elite Daily. "Instead of saying, 'do you want to have sex,' try saying something more flirtatious like, 'I've been thinking about you all day.'" A simple act can help get your partner in the mood, as long as sex is something they're interested in. "A quick foot massage might be all it takes to bring someone back into their body and take their mind off of the rest of their day," Cam says. Think outside the box to make your partner feel relaxed and sexy, and always make sure they're verbally consenting to physical touch and intimacy before moving forward.

Dmytro Bilous

Having less sex doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble. On TV, you may see no sex as a sign that a relationship is going through a rough patch, but this is not necessarily true. “Don't compare your sex lives with others,” Dr. Lee says. "Most people just assume others must be having more sex than them without any basis for this projection. Nobody should tell you how or what to do with your life — including the frequency." KarenLee echoes her sentiment. "Humans seek variety," she says. "If you're in a monogamous relationship, it's natural for desire to lose its intensity over time. It's quality over quantity." Of course, you want your own needs met, but you don't need to read too far into your partner's desires — having less sex doesn't necessarily mean they're pulling away from the relationship. Your partner might be pulling away, but that's something you should discuss with them rather than analyzing their actions without communication.

There could be many things going on in your partner's life that cause them to crave sex less, and you want to make sure they feel heard and seen. Letting them know you want to support them is a great way to improve not only your sex life, but your relationship overall. "There are several reasons why someone would not feel in the mood for sex, and often they have nothing to do with their partner," Cam says. "They could be exhausted from raising kids or working all day, and they don't have the motivation or energy to have sex." Furthermore, the way you have sex can change over time. "Sometimes, someone might just not be in a place to have intercourse because of hormones, depression, etc," KarenLee says. "In this case, reconsider your definition of sex. You might just want to feel intimate with someone (as opposed to penetration), and a nice cuddle sesh might be enough." So, consider what's going on in their lives, and find out if there are alternate ways your partner desires intimacy.

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Sex is a wonderful way of connecting with our romantic partners, and it's not uncommon to crave more of it. If you want to have more sex, you could try communicating your needs clearly and listening to your partner, but keep in mind that having less sex isn't a sign that your relationship is in trouble. You may learn they're not interested in having more sex, but you won't know this until you make an effort to convey your needs. Take these tips from these experts to make sure your sex life with your partner is everything both of you want it to be!