When you and your partner seem to be totally clicking everywhere except for in the bedroom, it can definitely feel like your love was doomed from the start. But you can learn what one another needs to make bad sex better and become closer in the process. Bad sex can clarify your desires within a relationship, and makes you aware of how important good sex is for being together. That gives the both of you plenty of motivation for improving.
According to psychosexual and relationship therapist Kate Moyle, the key to turning bad sex into amazing sex is all in what happens before you're actually going the whole way. "Foreplay not only prepares the body for sex heightening arousal, which makes sex more comfortable and more pleasurable, but it also builds desire and anticipation," Moyle says. She notes that those feelings are "the best natural aphrodisiac that we can get."
According to psychologist Noam Shpancer, foreplay activates the autonomic nervous system, and stimulates us by quickening the heartbeat and pumping blood to the genitals. Couples who forego foreplay arrive at the act of intercourse feeling distracted, misunderstood, and anxious. As a result, you aren't present enough to enjoy great sex.
Here's what the experts say about improving your foreplay so that your bad sex becomes sex you crave:
1. Download A Sex App
Moyle recommends that couples who are struggling with foreplay download the Pillow App For Couples, where she is a partner. "The app helps you build desire together," she says.
Couples listen and play along with play-by-play instructions that prompt them to kiss, touch, and gradually amp up their intimacy together. The app is especially ideal for couples who have difficulty coming together in the bedroom because of stressors in their work or outside life. It will bring you closer together and help you tune into one another so that you are both fully present to take care of each others' needs.
2. Take Your Time With The Build Up
Moyle recommends finding activities that slow one another down and gradually increase anticipation. "Start slowly and lightly before building up to being more sensual and sexy," Moyle says.
If you are a woman in a heterosexual relationship, then your pleasure in particular requires extra time and care. According to psychosexual therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer, women take longer than men to get up to the level of arousal needed for orgasm. Most men can orgasm in five minutes or less, but women need at least 20 minutes. Be sure you are giving one another as much time as necessary to get what you need.
3. Get Creative With Touch
Moyle recommends playing games like "Fifteen Kisses" where you and your partner focus on experimenting with different sensations, speeds, and locations of kissing. It will show you how much excitement and variation can happen from what's normally thought of as a simple, everyday gesture. When you start with an activity that you already know you enjoy and feels good, like kissing, it makes you realize that you have all the tools for good sex with you already. You just need to figure out how to use them on one another for maximum pleasure.
Restricting touch is another way that you can get super creative with the ways in which you arouse one another. "There is an episode of [Pillow App] called 'The Time Bomb,' which bans couples touching the parts of the body normally associated with sex for 20 minutes," Moyle elaborates.
Plus, the sensory deprivation will drive you both crazy in the best way.
4. Don't Forget To Cuddle
Foreplay for the next round of sex can begin as soon as you have finished the last. When you cuddle post-coitally, it creates even greater satisfaction in the afterglow of sex and boosts positive feelings between the both of you. That heightens the trust you have in one another, which makes the sex better, too.
In addition to boosting intimacy, building in cuddle time also means the two of you will be engaging in pillow-talk, which gives you time to emotionally bond, compliment, and intellectually connect with one another — all important aspects of great sex. "Feeling appreciated, respected, valued and understood can have benefits for our emotional state, our closeness as a couple and our intimate and sexual lives and makes us want to do it more," says Moyle.
If great sex takes work, then it will be the most fun at a job that you'll ever have. With a little more attention and dedication, the two of you will enjoy a bigger and better release that only gets better as time goes on.
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