Have you ever had bad sex?
I’m not talking about mediocre, wasn’t that great, probably won’t call again because “eh…” sex.
I’m talking about a guy who essentially treats your vagina like his hand. I’m talking about a girl who literally just lies on the bed like a corpse with her legs spread.
I’m referring to really awful, get me a gun and shoot me in the f*cking face, would rather put a fiery poker up my ass than ever have this happen to me again sex.
Grab the popcorn and relive my regrets with me because it is story time, children!
I recall one particularly shameful sexual experience while I was in college.
There was this really cute guy who I had my eye on for the better part of my four years at school. He was definitely on my “If I Get The Chance I’m Going To Pound Town With That Dude” list.
He came to a party at my apartment, and I knew this was my chance.
After everyone left, we did the dirty cha-cha.
It was f*cking terrible. It was truly a nightmarish experience I couldn’t even conjure up in my most wild of nightmares.
His wiener was the size of a pinky, he did not know where the clitoris was (if he even knew WHAT a clitoris was) and the whole ordeal lasted about one minute… probably because he also couldn’t stay hard. #blessed.
We did not speak again after that fateful night. Thank god I graduated a few months later. See ya never, weirdo!
Real talk: I’d break up with a guy over bad sex. There just is no coming back from it. Mediocre sex you can work on; bad sex you can’t fix.
While having bad sex may feel like a massive waste of your time, it really is not.
Though our experiences with bad sex are somewhat traumatizing, bad sex is actually the key to having really good sex.
If you have a bunch of really awful sexual experiences, it will only make the good ones that much better, and it will make the great ones mind blowing.
Bad sex sucks, but it can (and will!) teach you a whole lot.
Because bad sex makes you more self-aware.
You can learn a lot about yourself after a few nights of sh*tty sex. You have no choice but to become more selective and demand more for yourself.
Life is too short for bad sex, bad people and bad experiences. Once you have really awful sex, you’ll finally know what you want not just in the bedroom but also out of life.
Because you need to learn what you like (and what you don’t like).
Having bad sex is an education. You learn what you like because you’re learning what you don’t like.
There is nothing like having a guy seize on top of you for a few minutes, leaving you with a limp the next day to teach you you like it slow and steady. There is nothing like a girl grabbing your penis with a grip akin to the Hulk's to realize you do NOT want that.
Once you figure out what you like, sex will VASTLY improve.
Because you need to know what you’re dealing with.
If a guy or girl is bad at sex, he or she is not the guy or girl for you. Knowing sooner is always better than later. Bad sex is enough to put anyone off. If a person is bad at sex, he or she is probably bad at life, too.
You don’t need to deal with a pillow princess, a starfish, a dead f*ck or a person who thinks baby talk is sexy.
If he or she doesn’t know what he or she is doing in the bedroom, GTFO of there immediately. It’s about the biggest red flag there is.
If you have bad sex, you don’t have chemistry. There is no spark, and you will never be able to manufacture a connection. Just get out now.
Because you learn to ask for what you want.
Once you’ve had enough bad sexual experiences, you will be fed up with dealing with anything of the sort. You’ll do anything you can to make sex passable at the very least.
If a guy doesn’t know what he’s doing, you’ll tell him. You will know what feels good, and you will ask for it.
Because it teaches you not to settle.
It lets you take control of your life. You will no longer be inclined to settle for anything less than incredible sex. The right guy or girl will rock your world because you know what you are looking for.
You aren’t going to sit idly by and just deal with whatever is thrown at you. You will demand so much more, and you’ll be much better for it.
Because bad sex is not all you.
If you have bad sex, it’s easy to think perhaps you are the culprit. Maybe you are the one who sucks, not your partner.
That mindset changes once you have great sex. You’ll realize it was definitely not your issue, and you are actually quite the little minx between the sheets.
Because you are reminded sex isn’t everything.
Bad sex is like a wakeup call. It’s exactly like a hangover; it’s miserable, but you get over it. You realize you shouldn’t be wasting your time with stupid, pointless sh*t and instead should be focusing on the more important things in life.
You don’t need to spend your time having crappy one-night stands with idiots at the bar. You should be looking for something that is real and satisfying.
Because you learn to be fearless.
It makes you less self-conscious. You didn’t die. You’re free to move on to better sex. You realize it isn’t the end of the world. It wasn’t that scary. You had it. It happened.
It’s over. You understand this was just an experience, and it does not define you. You can go out and face the next thing. No shame.
Because in order to appreciate good sex, you need to have bad sex.
There is nothing that will make you more grateful for amazing sex than really dirty, rotten, no-good sex. It gives you something to compare the wonderful experiences to.
If you go your whole life having “great” sex, you have no frame of reference.
For all you know, the sex you’re having could be kind of lame, and you’d have no idea. You need exposure to the horrible to truly be appreciative of the fantastic.