As a heterosexual woman who lives in New York and dates dudes, I'll admit that I have a lot of preconceived notions when it comes to straight men. I love to gripe about the patriarchy, I assume that all men are obsessed with sex, and I have convinced myself that I will be cheated on one day. I'm guilty of all of the generalizations. (I'm also in therapy, don't worry.) I've never been with a woman, but I've certainly wondered if dating another woman — you know, someone of my own gender — would be different. Easier? Harder?
Immediately, I sense myself wandering into a territory full of new and ignorant generalizations: not all women think the same way, feel the same way about relationships, or are even inclined to be monogamous. Not all queer women are the same, just as not all straight men are the same, just as not any two of any "group" of people are the same. Sexuality and gender are fluid, and two women dating does not equal a necessarily "easier" relationship.
I also don't mean to insinuate that I'm about to "date a woman just to try and see if it's easier" — that would be ignorant. I'm not queer. So I took to Reddit to see what other women who have dated and/or date women had to say. Here's what they found satisfying about dating a woman:
More things in common, more emotionally expressive partners, not having to deal with the possible downsides of masculinity, more sex for longer.
This comment justifies some of my fantasies of "not dealing with masculinity would be sweet" and I do feel that I know more women than men who are emotionally expressive, but again, take these all with a grain of salt! Each comment is but one woman's experience!
Probably the lack of assumed gendered expectations, both from partners and from other people. As a simple example, when I have been dating a man, people tended to assume that I did the majority of the cooking, but when dating a woman, people did not make the same assumption for either of us.
Even in the most progressive heterosexual relationships, it is still assumed that the woman is typically in charge of running the household, while the man is responsible for the family's finances. (After all, men do still get paid more.) This user's comment that gender-based expectations were lessened when she dated women as opposed to dating men is interesting, and makes sense to me.
The real answer is more boobs. More understanding about hormone shifts and pain relating to female shenanigans. Sex was more fair, everyone got their turn. Generally on the same wave length, so things were just easier to understand/explain.
It's always comforting to know that your partner truly understands exactly what you're going through.
Women are MUCH better kissers than men. I like sex with men about as much as I like sex with women but when it comes to kissing women are amazing. Also, women don’t insist I watch the stupid things that men want to watch, like action movies and sports games. Even if I’m dating a girl who likes media I don’t like, she won’t force it on me the way men do. Men are so whiny like that.
— if_biffy
While again, this comment certainly wanders into the land of stereotypes, this Reddit user has dated both men and women, and this has been her experience. The most interesting portion of this comment to me is the idea that even if the women that this user has dated doesn't like the same things she does, they don't force, or "mansplain" it to her. To be fair: I'm usually the dominant "media-forcer" in my relationships. I love to bring a jock to a Paul Thomas Anderson movie. So again: generalizations are just generalizations!
"No pressure to adhere to gender roles. No one feeling emasculated because I earn more or have an ambitious career. No sexual misconceptions like 'sex is officially over when the man comes.'"
No matter how excellent of a man I have found, I have also found that many men really do struggle with a woman they are dating and her level of success. While some men are attracted to it, some men are innately intimidated by it, and that's partially do to the pressures society puts on men to be providers. That said, too often it does feel like heterosexual relationships are orchestrated around the man's wants and needs, and this is a great point about being in a same-sex relationship.
These perks are pretty sweet, but unfortunately, I'm still exclusively attracted to dudes. And I guess I'll just have to make do with that.
