I’ve had many struggles in my life: my weave fell off on the street once, I can’t stop ordering latex pants, and I’ve been neglecting my obscenely expensive Flywheel classes to hook up with my girlfriend. (I actually have real struggles, too, trolls, but my dyke princess ones are way funnier to read about.) But perhaps one of my biggest struggles, the biggest tragic inconvenience to my pathetic life, is that not one, but two of my exes have gotten engaged. Like really engaged. With rings and Facebook relationship status updates and everything.
I have gone through all the pain, confusion, rage, pettiness, and healing that comes from your ex deciding to spend their entire lives with someone else. (It’s weird AF, right?) Remember when Carrie Bradshaw found out Big was engaged when she was drunk on Cosmos and flipped her chair in that bougie restaurant? I found out both times sitting on my couch wearing an oversized men’s T-shirt and period underwear, shoveling reduced fat snacks into my mouth but my sentiment was the same as Carrie’s: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m not gonna lie, it really sucks. But lucky for you, I have lived to tell the tale, and now I’m your lez spirit guide to surviving the moment you scroll through Instagram and see a rock and the caption, “I said yes!” (Seriously, could they be any more basic?) I made it through, and so will you. Here’s what to expect, babe.