The following is written by Mike and Dave Stangle, authors of "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: And a Thousand Cocktails," available now from Gallery Books.
Your ex is getting hitched! You know because you saw it on Facebook.
It was a picture of the ring. He totally went to Jared.
The caption is special because it says something about how lucky she is she gets to marry the love of her life AND her best friend.
Whaaaaat? Two in one -- we never even thought about it that way!!!
If you’re anything like Dave, in that you’re f*cking 30 and basically going to die of old age soon, this may stir up some deeply recessed emotions.
The situation: You’re not engaged; you aren’t even dating someone. The only person you’ve felt any sort of romance with in a while was that guy at the street meat cart outside Spring Lounge.
He does God’s work with those kabobs, but we promised we were done with that.
Don’t fret; there are plenty of positive ways to think about your ex getting engaged:
6. “Thank. F*cking. Gaaawwd.” (Say it like a Long Island chick -- it's so sassy!)
Mike: You’re off the hook! She’s getting a rock, a wedding shower, a bachelorette party that her awful friend Becky is definitely going to try to make into one of those “Jack and Jill” things where the groom has to go, and all the other sh*t you are now completely off the hook for!
You don’t have to unwillingly participate in anything! No more dealing with those once-every-six-months emotional genocides she inevitably throws your way because she looked at HER Facebook and reacted the complete opposite way you are now.
5. “That... could have been me?”
Dave: But, it's not, and now you’re rich and he’s poor and that’s all that matters because being rich is everything, even if you’re poor.
It’s so much easier to be poor when you’re single! It’s almost like you’re not poor. You think you’re poor?
You’re not poor unless you have a girlfriend, a fiancé, or a wife and kids, or alimony, or you get sued for choking your neighbor’s cat Phillip because he always poops in your shoes when you leave them outside and you’re just sick of it (I HAVE PROOF, ELEANOR IN APARTMENT 5C!).
Compared to all of that, and especially to your ex’s new fiancé, you’re f*cking rich. You’re wealthy. You’re like the Monopoly man and he’s like Aladdin.
He paid $10k for a ring that has 176 likes on Facebook, and you just paid $6 for a cockee tail.
Oh, but look, their ring picture just broke 180 likes! So what? You just broke the seal; you’re pissing in a full-length urinal with your arms waving back and forth above your head chanting, “Noooo haaaaands,” to the chorus of Naughty By Nature’s "Hip-Hop Horray."
Which sounds more rewarding? You said the Naughty By Nature one, right? No? Anyone? Ugh. I’m so lonely.
4. "Wait... that could have been me, right?"
Dave: I mean, what does that guy have that I don’t? He IS super handsome and makes way more money than me, so shelling out $10k doesn’t really matter to him that much.
Plus, he has a public Instagram profile, so I naturally looked at every single picture, and judging by those pictures, his bulge is prevalent in even the loosest of pants. Ugh, how can I still see it even when there are people standing in front of him in a group shot?
There’s no two ways about it; the guy’s got a hog. It competes with David Bowie’s penis in the critically-acclaimed musical, The Labrynth. He definitely banged Jennifer Connelly when they were filming that movie, and she was only, like, 17 then! Bowie, you dog.
I get it, man. Good for you. Where was I? Oh, yeah, whatever. Size isn’t everything.
Your ex has a shallow vagina, anyway; it’s like a breast pocket at Baby Gap. Or dipping your pinky into a bag of molly. Or a little spoon. So you guys are a terrible match, anyway.
What are you gonna do with the rest of that thing? Nothing! It's going to just sit there, waiting to gait. You don’t want that.
3. "I am never getting married."
Mike: F*ck, that looks miserable. Planning and all that? I’m too young for that. So are you. I’m not even 30, yet. (Dave is, HA!)
I really dodged a bullet here. This is making me rethink how serious things are with the girl I went on two dates with two weeks ago. I am a child.
What did that girl I went to high school with, who’s now a lifestyle coach, say on Facebook? "You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else." So on point. I need to concentrate on loving myself.
Did she mean I should get off more? With myself? Everyone should just get off more. I’m getting off right now.
2. "Does this mean we can’t have sex anymore?"
Dave: Ex-girlfriends are often on the short list of women who you can have really great, comfortable sex with at any time, any place, and have a mutual understanding that, for so many clear reasons, things just aren’t going beyond sex.
This, by definition, makes for a very rare and valuable situation. It’s like coming home from college and taking your car you left behind for a spin. Man, I love how this thing handles!
Marriage pretty much takes what slim chance there was of that off the table, which stinks. But, at least she’s happy, right?
Plus, with divorce rates where they are now, and the economy the way it is, they’ll be lucky to make it to five years.
Sooner or later, she’ll be a hot, young divorcee, and I’ll be the old flame who never settled down. See you down the road, babe!
1. "Wait, I am definitely not getting invited."
Mike: I’m the one guy out of our whole group of friends who doesn’t get to go to the wedding. F*ck.
Let’s face it: There’s an unwritten rule that the ex-boyfriend doesn’t get to participate in the nuptials. Your ex just isn’t going to invite the guy who she just got over before saying yes to the guy stupid enough to wear a goddamn royal blue tux.
It makes sense on paper, but it stinks! We love weddings! And we’re so good at them. But, we get it.
This is essentially the only negative to this entire scenario, so we’ll take it and count our blessings. But, you guys better f*cking Facetime us from the wedding! Bet the ex is going to look smokin'.
"Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: And a Thousand Cocktails" is available now from Gallery Books. For more from Mike and Dave, follow them on social media: Mike and Dave's Twitter, Mike and Dave's Facebook, Mike's Instagram, Dave's Instagram, Mike and Dave's Instagram.