A Relationship Expert Reveals If Wanting To DTR Really Quickly Is A Red Flag

Say you're on a dating app with the sole purpose of finding a relationship. You're up front and honest that you want something serious with your matches, and you hit it off with someone IRL after chatting online. It turns out, they want to make it an official relationship really quickly, maybe even before the two of you have gotten to know each other that well. Well, is that a red flag? If that person wants to commit too quickly, does that mean the relationship isn't off to a good start? You could be committing to someone who you may not actually be compatible with.

I spoke with Jenna Birch, CEO of Plum, a forthcoming dating app, and author of The Love Gap about this issue. She says to consider how close you two are before you define the relationship.

"I do think it’s essential to ask yourself if the intimacy in the relationship warrants a DTR discussion," Birch tells Elite Daily. "Does this person truly know you? Are you compatible, in that you want the same things out of the relationship? What does the word 'relationship' mean to each person? If you do not feel you can answer those questions, then something’s up."

Birch says that if someone is looking to DTR super quickly, they may be more into the idea of a relationship itself than a relationship with that specific person.

"I always worry if someone wants to DTR super quickly that they want to be in a relationship, not with the person they’re trying to lock down in particular," she says. "Everyone wants to feel truly seen, understood, and then chosen in a relationship. A person can simply want a relationship, but not want you specifically or not really care who they’re in that relationship with. They just want someone, and it could really be anyone. That’s not feeling chosen."

She says that if you rush into defining the relationship with someone before truly getting to know them, the relationship may end up feeling "hollow" and "unlikely to last."

"If you’re on the receiving end of a DTR request from someone trying to force it, it will feel off in your gut and strike you as premature — listen to that feeling," Birch says. "The intimacy of the relationship has to match the level of commitment someone is asking for. Chemistry alone doesn’t warrant commitment."

In terms of the actual timeline you should follow when it comes to defining the relationship, Birch says it's all up to the individual couple and what feels right.

"It’s all about doing what feels comfortable, natural and right to you," she says.

Birch says that when it comes to deciding whether or not you want to DTR, consider your connection and compatibility with that person, and if their character meshes well with yours. From there on, it's up to you whether your want to DTR or not.

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