Picture this: You went on an awesome first date. The conversation flowed, your connection felt natural, and you thought to yourself, "This could turn into something." When it was over, a day passed with no word from your date. Then another, then a few more, and it’s still radio silence. By this point, you can't help but wonder what’s going on. The vibe was there, but now they've gone full Casper. Nothing’s more confusing and frustrating than when someone ghosts you after a great date. "When you get ghosted after a fantastic date, with great chemistry and easy conversation, it feels jarring and confusing. And it feels personal — like you said or did something wrong. But it’s rarely your fault," Connell Barrett, Dating Transformation founder and dating coach with The League, tells Elite Daily. It's natural to have questions about what happened, and to hope you'll rekindle that initial flame with a text. But texting a potential ghost can be tricky and nerve-wracking. What if they don't respond? What if they get annoyed that you "didn't get the memo"?
Keep the awkwardness to a minimum by reading up on what the experts suggest when it comes to texting someone who ghosted.
Why People Pull A Casper After A Seemingly Great Date.
There might be many reasons why you haven't heard from someone you feel you had an instant connection with, as Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships, tells Elite Daily. They include the possibility that, while you think you might have gotten along, something was just missing in the connection for your date. “Perhaps your date was being conversational, engaging, and polite, but they still didn’t feel the magic and spark that you did,” Spira explains. “If that’s the case, they wouldn’t want to send a text that says, ‘It was great to meet you, but I don’t feel a romantic connection and wish you the best.’ Instead, it’s easier to go quiet and disappear.”
It could also just be that, with the advent of the dating app, people just have a lot more options and romantic irons in the fire, says Barrett. “We live in the Swiping Age, where we have lots of dating options. The ghoster has likely been seeing multiple people and decided to only date their ‘top’ prospect. Yes, things were seemingly going great, but odds are, they found someone who’s a better match for them,” he explains.
These are the most obvious reasons you might not hear back after a date, but there’s actually another, less discussed reason why people pull a disappearing act after a really great connection. “Some people ghost because they’re afraid of getting rejected down the road. They’re very into you, so they go quiet because they fear getting hurt later on. This ghoster comes up with excuses to not date you — too busy with work, not each other’s types — but the truth is, they fear being rejected in the future,” says Barrett. “This is a tragic kind of ghosting because two people could be amazing together, but the ghoster’s fears keep them from creating that long-term romantic connection.”
This final reason is not as uncommon as you might think, says Spira. “I see this happen quite often when someone sends mixed messages on a date, so if you’re excited about the person, let them know at the end of the date that you really had a great time and look forward to seeing them again,” she advises. This is all the more reason why, if you felt a real spark between you and your date, you might want to reach out by text after, just to test the waters.
Texting Your Ghost.
When it comes to texting ghosts, there are a few tactics to choose from. Spira suggests giving them the benefit of the doubt and assume their lack of communication might simply be a sign they have a busy life. “In this case, I suggest saying, ‘Hey, I’ve been swamped with work lately and am coming up for air! How are you?’ If they write back, you may or may not get an explanation of their disappearing act, but you might be able to re-ignite a spark and set up another date,” she says.
The key to texting a ghost, explains Barrett, is to keep things light and infuse some humor. “Text something like, ‘Testing, testing… Is this thing on? Hey, just wanted to reach out one last time to see if you want to meet up, in case you forgot how awesome I am’,” he suggests. Barrett also emphasizes using the phrase “one last time” in your texts. “The phrase lets them know it’s now or never and you’re ready to move on, and this can sometimes bring a ghost back to life,” he says.
Barrett adds the one thing you want to avoid when texting a ghost is losing your cool or being confrontational in your message. “Don’t confront them on their ghosting. Venting may feel good at the moment, but it won’t reignite the romance. They’ll either ignore a confrontational message, or they’ll be justifying their actions — making you feel rejected all over again,” he explains.
What To Do If You Don’t Hear Back From Your Ghost.
Putting yourself out there with a text can be challenging, but Barrett says it's all about having the right frame of mind and setting your exceptions appropriately. “Be zen. You should never expect a text back. Pre-accept that, these days, ghosters are gonna ghost. If you focus only on what you can control, you’ll guard against the negative feelings that arise when someone pulls a Casper on you,” he advises.
Spira adds not to drag things out longer than necessary. “Everyone is attached to their phones these days, so if someone missed one text, they wouldn’t miss the second one. It’s time to move on to greener digital pastures,” she says.
While it's disappointing to not hear back from someone you thought had real potential, in some ways, someone ghosting you can be a positive thing, says Barrett. “Reframe ghosting as a gift,” he suggests. “Wouldn’t you rather get ghosted a few dates in rather than a few months or few years in? They gave you the gift of time and heartache saved. The best final text to send is two simple words: ‘Thank you!’ And then move on,” he concludes.
The ultimate takeaway here is that if you want to text someone you felt a spark with after date, then go for it. Maybe they’re ghosting, maybe they’re busy, or maybe they’re nervous because they like you so much. The only way to know for certain is to shoot them a text. Just keep it light and breezy and, if you don't hear back, keep it moving.
Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships
Connell Barrett, Dating Transformation founder and dating coach with The League