Have you ever Googled sexually transmitted infections in a dude's bed before? Because I have. And rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, it kills the mood pretty darn quickly. But the second a fellow says he doesn't like condoms or claims to have gotten "all of the vaccinations," (which is not a thing, by the way), I've often felt there was no alternative.
For the record, as my Google search quickly verified, no vaccine exists that will protect you from every STI out there. And in our hook-up-heavy culture, it's pretty easy to contract one — in fact, according to the New York State Department of Health, one in four Americans has an STI.
Yes, lots of STIs are totally treatable, but they can also be dangerous and painful. And hey, if you can easily avoid a few weeks of discomfort, antibiotics, and the stress of having to deal with an unwanted infection, why wouldn't you?
Oh, and beeteedubs, condoms are nearly 98 percent effective in preventing this crazy thing called pregnancy, too, as reported by Planned Parenthood.
The moral of the story? Condoms are really freaking important, and if you're having sex regularly — especially with multiple partners — you need to be using them.
In addition to condoms, here are a few lines and tips to keep in your back pocket if a guy says he doesn't like condoms (sass included). Because "no condom" is simply not an option unless you're in a monogamous relationship, have both been tested, and have had a conversation about safe sex.
"It just feels so much better without a condom."
Sassy Comeback: "All right, then I'll give you a choice. You can have sex with me, a human woman, with a condom. Or, you and your hand can have sex without one. Which will feel better?"
Ah, yes. The classic "shower in a raincoat" excuse (in which men liken sex with a condom to the feeling of wearing a rain coat in the rain). Hate to break it to you, gents, but science's got some different thoughts — studies have proven that condoms do not reduce or weaken sensitivity during sex.
You know what feels really great? Having sex and knowing that you likely won't walk away from the experience with an uncomfortable infection or fertilized egg! Safe is the ultimate sexy.
"But you're on birth control, anyway."
Sassy Comeback: "And if I can invest time and money into pumping hormones through my veins to prevent pregnancy, you can put on a condom for a little while to prevent STIs."
This one floors me. First and foremost, as discussed, condoms do far more than prevent unplanned pregnancy — they're also your best bet at preventing the spread of STIs. But beyond how wildly foolish it is to discount the threat of STIs, this excuse also pins all sexual responsibility on women, which is completely unbalanced and ridiculous.
To every woman who's got a "Take Your Pill!" alarm in her phone, an IUD or hormonal implant inserted into her body, or has to shlep to the doctor for a shot in her booty every few months: You have done so much to take care of your sexual health! Don't let some guy insist that wearing latex for half an hour is too much effort. It's not. He can, and will, put on the effing condom.
"I can't get hard or finish with a condom."
Sassy Comeback: "That sounds like a You problem, good sir. Not a condom problem."
This response might be the most infuriating to me. For starters, the fact that women have been trained to fake orgasms and sexual pleasure, while men get to say things like, "I just can't finish with a condom" is straight-up patriarchal nonsense. Sex is a two-way street, and anyone who suggests or implies otherwise does not deserve to get laid. End of story.
If these sassy comebacks don't do the trick, just get up and leave, ladies. Safe sex is the only kind of sex worth having.