How You'll React To The Bomb Cyclone, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Ad failed to load

If you live in the northeast, you might've noticed a trend in the weather lately: it's really, really f*cking cold outside. Apparently though, the cool down we've experienced is just a warm up for Mother Nature. Meteorologists are predicting a bomb cyclone to hit the northeast. Which means astrologers are predicting how you'll react to bomb cyclone, based on your zodiac sign. By astrologers, I mean me. Because I like to stay topical when I can't stay tropical. (Sorry for that, I grew up watching Carrie Bradshaw write her "Sex and The City" column on HBO and sometimes I can't resist a rhyming pun.)

Speaking of HBO, I hope you've got a friend's account password, because the storm won't be the only thing you'll be protecting yourself against. Cabin fever is real, and if you live in a city like New York, pacing around your 500-square-foot bedroom is nobody's idea of entertainment. Gather your show suggestions, book recommendations, and strap in. You're in for a lonely week, because unfortunately, when I say bomb cyclone, I'm not talking about your sex life... unless you've got someone to cuddle with who isn't your laptop. Here's how you can expect to handle this intense storm based on your zodiac sign:

Aries: Puts Out A Craigslist Ad "Seeking Storm Partner For The End Of The World"

Ad failed to load

Aries, if the world is going to end in a furious snow hurricane that destroys every living thing in its path, you'll be damned if you're going to go down without f*cking. Years from now, when an alien race scours the Earth for clues to our civilization, they'll find your frozen bodies intertwined and say "Wow, these humans really knew how to f*ck."

Taurus: Tweets "IT'S JUST A NOR'EASTER, IDIOTS," While Boarding Up Windows And Stocking The Fridge

Ad failed to load

Yes, Taurus, we know. You're the most levelheaded of everyone and you never lose your cool. You won't be manipulated by weather-related media hype, you're far too intelligent for all that. So explain to us why, exactly, you're filling your house with SpaghettiOs and wrapping yourself in a tinfoil blanket? The storm hasn't even come yet and you look like you're filming the last scene of Independence Day.

Gemini: Plans To Start And Finish Their Memoir, Wakes Up, Sees Snow, Spends Four Days On Twitter

Ad failed to load

Well look at you, Gemini, aka Mr. or Mrs. Big Plans. Four days inside means you'll finally have the time, energy, and focus to finish that memoir on the first 23 years of your precious life just before you've actually experienced anything worth writing about.

Cancer: Calls Family For A Tearful Last Goodbye

Ad failed to load

Nothing's more upsetting than the fact that when you call your family to offer them your final words, no one will pick up because you're being too dramatic. I mean, you were crying to begin with (when are you not crying?) and now you're crying... harder. You are seriously always crying. Stock up on tissues and toilet paper, Cancer.

Leo: Sleeps Through Entire Cyclone, Wakes Up Proclaiming "I Am The Nap Queen!"

Ad failed to load

If there's one thing Leos are better at than being the life of the party, it's sleeping until the neighbors start to worry. It takes a lot of energy to be the most entertaining person in the room, and sometimes you have to dip into the energy reserves in order to stock up. A four-day long bombogenesis is just enough time for what Leo would call a power nap.

Virgo: Opens Front Door, Waits For Homeless Animals To Line Up In Pairs

Ad failed to load

Not all heroes wear capes and fight crime, Virgo. Some of them just wear snowsuits and feed homeless cats. While the rest of the world is out there stocking up on supplies and worrying about their families, you're out in the streets saving the helpless, and for that, people will hold you in the highest regard and herald you as "very odd." Can you blame them? You're acting like your home is Noah's Ark. But hey, somebody has to.

Libra: Reads Weather Report, Is Devastated To Learn Amazon Shipments Will Be Delayed

Ad failed to load

It's almost like the cold heartless winter weather DGAF about your brand new silk sheets. You'd think Amazon had insider info about this weather at least two weeks before us regular humans did. That company is practically run by the Illuminati. How are you supposed to enjoy the end of the world wrapped up in your old cotton sheets, Libra? If you're going to be found frozen in your bed, you'd at least like to look classy in some silk sheets so the EMTs know you lived a good life.

Scorpio: Prepares To Wage War "On God"

Ad failed to load

It's not that you mind holing up in your apartment from time to time (every day for a few hours a day), but when Mother Nature takes the choice to go outside away from you, that crosses your motherf*cking line.

Scorpio will be the first sign to head outside in the icy dump that the universe is taking on us to yell at the skies until they faint. At least they'll die the same way they lived: not taking any sh*t.

Sagittarius: Knocks On Every Neighbors Door Singing "Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?" From Frozen

Ad failed to load

You know how to make the best of a bad situation Sagittarius, and when you heard the words "bomb cyclone," you just read it as "really dope storm is coming to town and you put your best party snow boots on." At least someone is being positive about this. Might as well be you.

Capricorn: Calls Weather Service To Say, "Stop Being So Alarmist"

Ad failed to load

Capricorn, if there's anything you can't stand, it's everything... including the dramatic hysteria that follows the National Weather Service calling a snow storm a bomb cyclone. This is just winter. Now if everyone would just put their Twitter torches away, we could resume life as we know it.

Aquarius: Turns On The News, Grabs The Popcorn, And Enjoys The Histrionics

Ad failed to load

Aquarius is the only sign who is detached enough to actually enjoy watching everyone lose their motherf*cking minds over a snowstorm without getting swept up in the madness themselves. In fact, if you've got any weed in the house to enjoy, you'll probably find all this hysteria nothing more than just... well, hysterical.

Pisces: Gives Up Three Days Into Sober January, Buys A Liquor Store, Moves In

Ad failed to load

Sure, you signed up to do Sober January, but what even is Sober January if not a 30-day-long waiting period for an excuse to go on a bender? As much as you wanted to take part in Sober January, it really seems like that choice has been taken from you. If you really wanted to challenge yourself, you can still challenge your liver. There's always next year. If next year even comes. I mean, the world is basically ending.

Ad failed to load

Must Reads

Your Weekly Horoscope Is Here & Your World Is About To Be Filled With Sunshine

If you've had enough of the sleepy and heavy feeling associated with Taurus season, prepare yourself for a replenishing rush of fresh energy. As of May 20, the sun has officially moved into Gemini, and the weight on your shoulders will finally start …
By Roya Backlund

13 Must-Have Experiences You Should Buy In Your 20s, Instead Of A New Couch

Life is one big experience. When you hit your 20s, though, you start getting pulled in the direction of your responsibilities. It isn't totally a bad thing, but you don't want to get so wrapped into adulting that you forget life's zest. Amazing exper…
By Jasmine Vaughn-Hall

I Tried Kim Kardashian's Weird Beauty Obsession & I Can't Stop Taking Selfies

You've been there before: You're scrolling through your Instagram feed when you see your favorite celeb post about their favorite new product — a face serum, vitamins that will make your skin brighter, or a specialty food service. You can't help but …
By Stephanie Montes

Where You Should Vacation This Summer, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Summer is so much more than just sweating in 90 degree weather and enjoying a long, lazy break from school (if you're lucky enough to still be in school). It's a time for making exciting new plans, falling madly and hopelessly in love, opening your m…
By Roya Backlund

Wander or Bust: The Amalfi Coast May Just Be The Most Beautiful Thing You'll Ever See

Wander or Bust is an Elite Daily travel series that follows young women all over the globe to record their journeys as they experience the thrill of the far-flung and unknown. They'll track their budgets, where they stay, where they eat and drink, a…
By Kaylin Pound

6 Brutally Honest Phases Of Life After A Breakup, Because You Will Survive 

If you've ever been through a bad breakup, you know that the struggle is real. For the weeks (or possibly months, if it was a really bad one) that follow, life can be rough, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Don't believe me? Just l…
By Rachel Shatto

Here's How You Can Find Out What Your Aura Color Is

Do you remember that movie Almost Famous? More specifically, the scene where William is trying to have a phone call with his mom, but a clairvoyant Band-Aid keeps shouting "Your aura is purple!" in his face? Well, that was the first time I had ever h…
By Roya Backlund

9 Women In Their 20s Reflect On The Advice They Wish They Had At Graduation

Graduating college can feel seriously scary. You've spent your entire life in school, working and preparing for the moment you enter the real world, but what happens when you get there? What if things don't go totally according to plan? You may have …
By Brittney Morgan

3 Early Signs You Are Going To Have Undeniable Chemistry With Your Crush

I don't know if there's anything better than the excitement of having a new crush — especially when that feeling's reciprocated. The butterflies that rush through your stomach as soon as they enter a room. The electricity that zips through your veins…
By Genevieve Wheeler

A Dentist Reveals The Best Times To Brush Your Teeth & It's Actually So Surprising

Do you brush your teeth twice a day? If you do, you're already way ahead of me, since I usually forget about brushing my teeth before bed at least three out of seven days of the week. I'm so bad about remembering to brush my teeth before bed, that I'…
By Caroline Burke

Emoji Pool Floats Are Here To Match Every Mood You’re In This Summer

Searching for the perfect poolside accessory to lounge around in this summer? This year’s hottest warm weather water trend isn’t a big floppy hat or designer sunglasses — it’s an emoji pool float. That’s right: Your favorite little digital expression…
By Rachel Murphy

Here's How Your Mood & Your Favorite Music Are Secretly Connected, According To Science

If you're someone who's likely to be found with ear buds in her ears at all times, you might not realize just how often you listen to music, or the ways in which it's really affecting you. From your morning commute to the tunes you blast while you co…
By Caroline Burke

This Is How Long It Takes For A Partner To Really Trust You, According To Experts

Trust is easily one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship, but typically, it's not something that's fully there from the start because it takes some time to build. How long it takes for a partner to trust you is a question that doesn'…
By Tayi Sanusi

7 Things You Forgot To Thank Your High School Friends For & Should ASAP

Friends are a dime a dozen, but a solid, genuine group of girlfriends can be difficult to come by. When you find your tribe, you need to stick with them until the end. For some lucky people, your high school friends have been your besties since day o…
By Rachel Chapman

These 3 Zodiac Signs Will Have The Best Week, So Bask In The Glory

It's officially the second week of May, and the warmth of spring has finally arrived. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the bright weather is allowing everyone to finally break out their favorite pair of shorts. If you think the gorgeou…
By Roya Backlund

7 Men Reveal What Attracted Them To Their Last Crush & They'll Make You Swoon

He reminded me of Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl. That's legitimately what I found appealing about my most recent crush. Sorry, but it doesn't get any deeper than that. In other instances though, when I'm not trying to live out my lustful, adolescen…
By Sydnee Lyons

A Relationship Expert Reveals His Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide

"Long-distance relationships are extremely relaxing and easy to navigate," said no one in a long-distance relationship ever. Whether you are bicoastal babes or a quick two-hour train ride apart, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes…
By Kimmy Foskett

How To Start Reading Tarot When You Have No Clue Where To Begin

I've been practicing tarot almost daily as part of my self-care routine for years. My favorite part of the day is putting on a face mask, pouring myself a blushing mimosa or some coffee, busting out a few crystals, and sitting down to spend a little …
By Minerva Siegel

7 Questions You Should Be Able To Answer About Your Life By The Time You Hit 30

Nobody has all of the answers in life, but you're probably pretty proud of yourself for how far you've come. Somewhere along the way, some of us got the hang of adulting and began to appreciate the unexpected things that come with being 20-something.…
By Marisa Casciano