How To Survive Mercury Retrograde Like A Non-Believer, Even If You're Shaking With Fear

by Rosey Baker
Matt Cardy/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Mercury retrograde is upon us, but hey, who cares? So what? This Mercury retrograde, I'm ignoring the signs. I'm casually skipping over the blog posts warning me about creating my own fallout shelter. I'm moving through my life with a casual breezy attitude and embracing the cool perspective of a non-believer. I've decided that, for the time that Mercury is in retrograde, I no longer believe in astrology, and I'm here to share my secrets, including how to survive Mercury Retrograde 2017 like someone who's never even heard of this sh*t.

Why? Because I don't need a cosmic sense of doom following me around for 12 weeks out of every year, and I don't need some astrology weirdos telling me how to live my life. Mercury is out there in the cosmos, and I live on Planet F*cking Earth, people. I don't have time to worry about the insane goings on about a planet that can't even sustain human life; I have taxes that need to be filed and hair that desperately needs to be washed. (Dry shampoo is fine, in moderation.)

Anyway, I'm fine. I'm not having a breakdown and I refuse to quake in fear at the mention of this planetary plague.

I Will Make Travel Arrangements, Thank-You-Very-Much

Oh, what's that you say, world-renowned astrologer, Susan Miller? Hold off on making any travel plans from Dec. 3 through Dec. 23? Well, don't mind if I do completely the opposite! In case these astrologers haven't noticed, I do whatever the f*ck I want, when I want, and if that means waiting until five days before Christmas to make my travel plans, well then, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

In fact, part of the holiday season involves being stranded at the airport; it's basically a tradition for me! I know several airport bartenders now, and I bring them stocking stuffers. Eat that, Mercury.

I Will Enter Into A Contract, Sign A Lease, Maybe Even Get Married, Because I DGAF

I've heard it all before: "Don't sign anything"; "Stay away from contracts"; "Hide all your pens!" Frankly, I'm signing anything someone hands me during Mercury retrograde, like my name is Edward Ballpoint-Penhands.

If a sheet of trash paper flies into my face on the street, I'm signing. I don't care if I end up signing my death warrant by accident. At least I lived by my own rules, never bending to the whimsy of some planet in a galaxy far far away, poised to strike out at me like a tiger made of stars. I'm sick of this. In fact, if there was a petition to ban Mercury retrograde, it'll be the first thing I sign when that stupid planet decides to moonwalk backwards through the sky again.

I Will Buy ALL The Technology Gadgets

If one more astrology expert warns me against buying technological accessories during Mercury retrograde I will rob a Best Buy. I don't care if you got a PHD in Astrological Prediction; it's the holiday season in 2017, and you're telling me I can't buy an iPod for my little cousin? Go bake a cake. Technology is everything. I need a new phone, I'm buying a new phone. It breaks two weeks later? I'm blaming my clumsy dumb hands, not a planet I've never been to.

There's simply no excuse for why I should wait until Mercury retrograde is over, two days before Christmas, to get myself a new T.V.

I Will Accept The F*ck Out Of A Brand New Job

Up until this recent brave decision, I have treated Mercury retrograde as a time when it's universally unacceptable to apply for and seek out new jobs. But this Mercury retrograde, everything has changed, baby. You could be the President of Mercury Retrograde Inc. and I will sign on the dotted line for a position in your mailroom. I'll even do an internship! I'm out to prove to everyone, once and for all, that this cosmic holiday-of-doom is a sham, and I plan on being a living example of that.