How To Speak Up In The Bedroom & Get Exactly What You've Always Wanted

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For some people, getting used to speaking up in the bedroom is a skill that needs practice, especially if you aren't usually the assertive type or are scared of what your partner may think of your desires. One of the most important things to remember is sex is about intimacy, closeness, and having a good time, so don't be afraid to get what you want out of it. Learning how to speak up about what you want is important (and not only in the bedroom) so it's actually a great time to practice and hone that skill. And you never know – something that you want in the bedroom could easily be something your partner wants as well, but they too, are afraid to voice it.

To get the lowdown on how how to really put yourself out there and ask for what you want, I spoke to sex expert and therapist Rachel Hoffman, who offered tips on things you should say to your partner to make the experience all the more pleasurable and fun for you – which, is the point, anyway. Here's what Hoffman had to say.

Frame what you want as a question to your partner.

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This alleviates some pressure, and allows your partner the room to talk about their past experience – maybe they've done it too, and enjoy it themselves.

As an example, Hoffman suggested women who like using vibrators to ask their partners, "I am just curious, have you ever used sex toys with a partner before?"

Hoffman tells Elite Daily, "That can lead into a discussion about sexual practices and the woman can be more comfortable voicing her wants and needs."

Act like it's no big deal (because it isn't).

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Be sure to muster up all that confidence, and voice your request like it's no big deal. Keep your voice even, and project your voice with assuredness to let your partner know you want it, and it's okay.

"Remain calm and confident as if what you are asking is not so taboo or out of the norm," Hoffman says. "This can provide comfort to your partner as well."

Abide by the golden rule.

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Basically, just be understanding to their response.

"When your partner responds, try to give validation and not respond in a disappointing or condescending way," says Hoffman.

They may say they've been wanting to try that with you too, or they just want to make you happy.

In this Friends scene, Rachel asks Ross if he still has that Navy uniform right after she kissed him. She then asks about any fantasies he may have – because if so, she wants to do 'em. She later on wears the Princess Leia costume of his fantasies – and of many others. (By the way, Team Rachel, the supportive girlfriend who didn't deserve Ross' crappiness.)

Give positive affirmation.

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If your partner is doing something that you like, tell them!

Hoffman says that if they're "a biter and that is something you enjoy, you can possibly say, 'It feels great when you bite me, I also would love scratching.' This tells your partner that A. they are doing something right and B. casually suggests that your partner try another method of pleasing you."

So go ahead, say what you want. The worst that can happen is you don't do it, but you'll probably feel a hell of a lot better for asking at all.

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