Sex is pretty much the most intimate experience you can share with someone else, and yet it's still possible to have sex without really connecting with the other person. Whether you're newly committed and are still getting to know your partner on an intimate level, or you want to reignite the passion in a long-term relationship, understanding how to be more intimate during sex with your partner can completely shake up your sex life.
If you do feel like you and your partner are in a sexual rut, it could be because the two of you are no longer connecting the same way you used to. You've probably gotten into a comfortable routine and are looking for an effective solution. Before you break out The Joy of Sex, you should get to the bottom of why you feel like the sex isn't satisfying in the first place. By addressing this big-picture issue and talking about both of your needs, you can increase intimacy and re-introduce those initial feelings of desire into your relationship. Once that's taken care of, feel free to experiment with simpler pleasures, like lingerie and sexting. But do handle the hard part first. Here are four expert-approved ways to bring more intimacy and connection into your sex life.
"Before delving into actual tactics and switching it up, it's important to get curious about your experiences and what's contributing to sex feeling routine," says certified sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr. Curiosity about your body and your sex life isn't a bad thing. Embrace the fact that you want answers, and try to come up with some possible explanations and solutions on your own. Once you've gathered your thoughts, you can broach the subject with your partner.
Fehr advises couples to set up a safe context to talk about their fantasies. Ask up front if your partner is willing to listen to you. Then, ask for what you need from them in order to express yourself fully. Also, be sure to explain why these fantasies are important to you and how they turn you on. If you're not sure where to start, Fehr suggests asking both yourself and your partner a series of questions, including: "What has been working and what could be better or different?" "What makes sex satisfying for you?" And "what do you want more of: more touch, foreplay, orgasm, more connection, more presence from your partner, more intimacy?"
Take the time to do it outside of the bedroom. And by "it," I mean talk. These questions deserve both you and your significant other's full attention, so you shouldn't share your concerns if either of you are distracted or otherwise occupied. "It takes conversations outside the bedroom (and not in the heat of the moment) to talk about these things consciously. And these conversations open the door to having more satisfaction and fulfillment for yourself and your partner without the guesswork," says Fehr. Being honest about what you desire — whether it's new positions or fantasies — is important, so set aside time to talk.
If the sex feels boring, it may be because you're focusing on pleasure first and connection second, Fehr says. "This kind of sex may feel like you're both doing a lot of things and movements, but not really being with each other. In this context, continual external novelty, in the form of toys, positions, and even new partners, is necessary to keep the excitement and turn-on going," she says.
Rather than employing outside help, try looking inside yourself. It sounds cheesy, but when you express your emotions, you can connect on a deeper, more intimate level. This is when the sex gets more exciting, because it is risky. "Risky in the sense that you have to risk being vulnerable and open up to a partner emotionally and sexually to feel more connected," says Fehr. You can be physically nude without being emotionally naked. Sometimes, naked vulnerability is the sexiest, most thrilling way to satisfy your desires.
If you're someone who struggles with vulnerability, making a conscious effort to open up to your partner will let them know how special they are. Practice being more verbal about how you feel toward your partner, or express your feelings in outward non-verbal ways. Say their name during sex or tell them you love them. Give them a massage before bed. Stroke their face and kiss their neck during sex.
"Being gentle and kind with yourself and your partner is key in getting through these conversations and to deeper intimacy. It's OK to share that you are scared and it's OK to take your time and go slow," says Fehr. In addition to figuratively taking things slow, literally slowing down the sex can make it hotter. "What often happens is that couples can get more mileage out of what they're doing already if they can increase the presence and connection in each moment. Each position can add infinitely more pleasure by slowing down [movements] and being with each other in the moment, rather than adding new positions and varying it up," says Fehr. As it turns out, less is more when it comes to true intimacy.
Addressing the fact that your needs aren't being met sexually can be a difficult conversation to have with your partner. But once you talk about your desires, you can focus your energy on other enjoyable ways of shaking up your sex life.
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