Anyone who has ever used Tinder is familiar with the act of the unmatch. You’re in the middle of a good back-and-forth with someone, and boom! You open the app to send a “good morning” message, only to find that your match has mysteriously vanished from your list of prospects.
Or maybe you’ve experienced the flip side: You’re talking to someone who seems cool, but then the conversation dries up, or he says something that totally rubs you the wrong way, and you make it all go away by hitting that magic little unmatch button. Problem solved.
Whatever your experience on Tinder, one thing’s for sure: Unmatching is a powerful tool that can (sometimes) lead to unexpected consequences.
That’s what one young woman learned recently when she gave a thoughtful (albeit overachieving) answer to her match’s hypothetical question.
Haley, a 22-year-old Houston native, got an unexpected opening line when her match Walker messaged her this:
"You and a super intelligent snail both get 1 million dollars, and you both become immortal, however you die if the snail touches you. It always knows where you are and slowly crawls toward you. What's your plan?"
Instead of brushing off the wacky question with a “lol” or simply not responding (because honestly, who has the energy?), Haley came up with an answer that was seriously creative, scientifically-sound, and yes, pretty absurd:
"Okay, first I move to Hawaii. Let's say the snail moves on average 0.03 mph. To move 1 mile, it takes him 33.3 hours. I'd move to Maui, which is 3,815 miles away. He would have to travel for 127,167 hours to reach me, or about 14.5 years. Seven years after moving to Maui, I'd move to Rome to ensure that he'd either have to travel the entire Pacific Ocean or turn around and travel back through the Panama Canal. I would continue calculating how long it takes him to where I move to, then I switch continents at the halfway point. This also prevents people noticing me not aging or getting sick.
"Additionally, immediately invest 1/4 of the money, putting 1/2 in savings/safe bonds with high interest rates, and using 1/4 to live off initially, thereafter living off of dividends of my investments."
And with that, she was promptly unmatched.
Had she scared Walker away with the sheer length of her response? Was he intimidated by the depth of her knowledge of world geography and basic investing? Were her assumptions about the speed of this hypothetical killer snail too spot on for his comfort?
Whatever the reason he chose to unmatch her, it didn’t (and doesn't) matter, because A.) it’s literally the least interesting part of this story, and B.) agonizing over why a dude rejected you is a total and complete waste of time. Hard stop.
Since Haley knew her answer was way too good to not share with the world, she posted the entire exchange on Reddit, where it caught the eye of none other than Tinder itself (not to mention thousands and thousands of other commenters).
And in a true Millennial Cinderella story, Tinder connected with Haley on Twitter, and offered her an all-expenses paid trip to Rome, which you may remember was her final destination in the killer snail scenario.
She actually went (duh) and spent December 17 through December 23 living her best life in the Eternal City, soaking up all the ancient architecture, fresh pasta, and sexy Italian men that her heart desired (Instagram evidence below).
Now if only all unmatching scenarios ended with a free trip to Italy…
And P.S. — Walker The Umatcher stumbled upon Haley’s Reddit post, and now they’re allegedly ~private messaging~, so maybe there's hope for us all.