Tell me if this sounds familiar: Tonight's the night you're planning on meeting up with someone you've been talking to. You've been looking forward to it, but when the time comes, they ghost. No show, no explanation. You just got stood up, and it sucks. Besides being rude, being stood up can actually be really hurtful. Unfortunately, the only thing you can really do at this point is learn from the experience and move forward, but sometimes, that's easier said than done. That's why knowing how to get closure if you’ve been stood up can be so important.
The first step is to remember that you're not alone. "Being stood up happens," relationship expert April Masini tells Elite Daily. "And the reason it happens is because people don’t want to go out with you and they don’t have the relationship tools to tell you. Usually they fear their own discomfort at hurting your feelings, or they don’t want a confrontation or to be scolded for not wanting to date you, so they just don’t show and don’t contact you."
While being stood up can feel like a rejection, Trina Leckie, breakup coach and host of the Breakup BOOST podcast, tells Elite Daily that in reality, this kind of behavior says way more about them than it does you. "Someone who has no problem doing this to someone else speaks volumes about their character," Leckie says. "I would say it is common among those who are selfish and lack a conscience. It happens because some people just don’t care about the feelings of others, don’t honor the commitments they make, and it is probably reflective in other areas of their life as well."
However, knowing that it's not about you and feeling that way can be two different things, so if you're still finding it difficult to let it go, here's how the experts recommend you move on and the closure you need.
Closure may be a mental process, but there are some physical things you can do to help make that happen. Masini says you can begin the process by removing all traces of the person out of your life. “Delete their phone number and contact information from your phone. This is an action you can take, without them, to produce closure," she explains. "By removing their contact information from your phone and computer, you’ve given yourself the message that this person is not part of your circle any more. They are no longer a dating option. Next!”
Because there is no closure in a grey area, Masini suggests using language that reflects that. “Tell a friend that it’s over with this person who stood you up. If they ask, and you say something vague, like, ‘I don’t know,’ or, ‘I haven’t heard from this person in a while,’ you’re not really giving yourself the closure you need to move on,” she says. Her advice is to be more direct about what happened instead. “You don’t have to go into details, but you do have to be sure it’s done. If you’re sure, it’s more likely you’ll move on. If you’re not — it’s going to be tough to move on," she explains.
When someone stands you up, they are making a statement — one that Masini says should tell you that they are not the right person for you, and that you deserve someone who treats you better. “Understand that if someone stands you up, you just dodged a bullet. It’s easy to feel rejected, but dig deeper. You were rejected by someone without good manners and without good relationship skills. This person is going to practice those avoidance techniques in other parts of their lives because they don’t have the character and the empathy required to do the right thing. They would rather not face conflict or disappointment than do the right thing. This is not someone who is worthy of your time and energy," she says.
It’s easy to internalize being stood up as a rejection of you, but in reality, the one thing that all the experts agree on is that this behavior has everything to do with the other person. This is why NYC relationship expert and love coach Susan Winter tells Elite Daily you should combat that kind of negative self-talk by reminding yourself of what they showed you about themselves by standing you up. “Dishonesty, misrepresentation, and bad manners spell out everything you need to know about a person. You've lost nothing,” she says.
Closure is process, and so it may take a little while before you can totally move on from how the experience made you feel. Be gentle with yourself and keep in mind what Leckie had to say when she concluded, “The best thing you can do is keep your head held high, know that is it a reflection of them and not anything you did, and just move on.”
