Dating and Relationship Experts Reveal What To Do When He Won't Commit To A Relationship
Dating someone casually without ever defining the relationship is fine — that is, until you realize you want something official or exclusive. If you're seeking commitment, you should definitely be clear that that's what you want. But what if the person you're dating says they're not ready for a serious relationship... or, agonizingly, isn't sure if they want one with you? You're probably left wondering what to do when he won't commit to a relationship, or if her elusive behavior is because you're not the person she sees herself being with long-term.
Whatever reason the person you're dating has for not committing to you, you should question if it's (1) valid and (2) something that could change in the future (ex: they're studying for the LSAT in all their spare time, but they're taking the test in June).
I spoke to Kailen Rosenberg, Founder of The Lodge Social Club, Elite Matchmaker and Celebrity Love Architect, and matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking Susan Trombetti about the topic, and they both offered their expertise and insight on how you should proceed in this situation. Here's what you need to know.
Have a conversation about what it is that you want.
The most upfront solution may be the hardest to do. Rosenberg suggests that, "If they are the right one for you and you are the right one for them, your feelings will be heard, your needs will be met and it will work itself out."
Now, this strategy for sure can be scary if you don't like putting yourself out there, especially if you're feeling insecure that you've dated this person for a few months and haven't yet defined the relationship.
But, if you go ahead and have that conversation, you'll know where the other person's at: if they want to keep seeing you in a more casual manner, if they want to be in a relationship with you, or if they think you're in different places emotionally, and want to stop altogether. Any way, it's good to at least know.
No matter how the conversation goes, you'll have a resolution.
Play games, if that's what you both like.
Proceed with caution: playing games is not for everyone. Some prefer being more direct, like described above.
But playing hard to get may win that person over if they think they're going to lose you – so it could work. "Games, chasing, and being chased might be exciting for a moment, but it ultimately comes with a level of immaturity," Rosenberg says.
She warns that playing games could end up in disaster. "If you chase someone before you know them, or believe that they are the one for you before truly digging in and spending time with one another – and I’m talking several dates, having met friends and family, even having had your first true disagreement – if you don’t give yourself and the other the respect and space for that, then you’re heading towards big, big trouble and could end up in a relationship or even marriage someday feeling miserable and saying to yourself, 'How did I ever allow myself to end up with this person? They are not who I fell in love with.' You deserve so much better!"
Move on if you aren't getting the level of commitment you desire.
After either having a crystal-clear conversation about your desires for a future together or playing hard to get to get them thinking about what it's like to have you gone, if you find out they're just not that into commitment or committing to you, it's time to bow out.
"You can’t compromise on basic things like commitment," Trombetti tells Elite Daily.
"It’s time to walk away when you are in a relationship that is emotionally unsafe, your feelings aren’t heard or respectfully responded to, where you have experienced and/or are experiencing a loss of true self, if a sense of joy has not been felt in a long time, and where you may even find yourself dreaming or fantasizing about being somewhere else with someone else," Rosenberg says. "While some or all of these may occur at different times for anyone in brief moments in a relationship, if they go beyond anything but brief moments without change, healing, new awareness, or joy brought into the relationship, then it’s time to go your separate ways."
Even if walking away hurts in the moment, you'll be so much happier in the long run without a draining half-relationship dragging you down.
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