Hanukkah is right around the corner. This year, it starts on Tuesday, Dec. 12, and runs through Wednesday, Dec. 20. In the rush to buy thoughtful presents for your loved ones, stock up on gelt, and work up the courage to make latkes without splattering yourself in hot oil (you just finished recovering from last year's burns!), you shouldn't forget to treat yourself, too. Consider the best vibrators to buy — one for each night of Hanukkah.
Let's be real, your family will probably buy you a practical but boring pair of winter boots, and your roommate will get you a Naked palette from Urban Decay, so you'll finally stop stealing hers. Those gifts are great, don't get me wrong. But the treats you buy yourself are always better, right?
Bear with me here for a sec. Growing up, I went to a pretty lax Hebrew school. I learned the Hebrew alphabet and the basics of the Torah, but beyond that, most of the instruction was focused on making crafts themed around each of the Jewish holidays — like a paper mâché piece of matzoh for Passover and a crayon drawing of Queen Esther on Purim. My religious education was basically Pinterest for Jewish kids.
So consider this guide below a Hanukkah-themed craft straight out of my Religious Studies teacher's worst nightmare. You're welcome.
Night 1: Gelt Yourself Off
Callie Bullet Vibe
Unless you're super rich, you're probably not able to swing a $3,900, 18-karat, gold-plated vibrator. Until that day comes, tide yourself over with this bullet vibe featuring a gold-colored handle. It's way sweeter than the gold-covered chocolate you unwrapped after dinner.
Night 2: Spin Your Own Dreidel
Satisfyer Pro Deluxe Next Gen.
The toy creates a suction seal around your clit and vibrates on 11 settings to mimic the sensation of oral sex. Plus, it's rose gold, so it's, like, chic.
Night 3: Shamash Yourself
"Fifty Shades Darker" Desire Explodes USB Rechargeable G-Spot Vibrator
Adam & Eve
This Fifty Shades Darker-inspired toy has a curved shaft and an enlarged tip for your G-spot. Since it's from a store called Adam & Eve, you can basically say it's Torah-approved.
Night 4: Oh, Oh, Oy Vey
Back in Hebrew school, you learned about the Hanukkah miracle — that a small amount of oil for the Temple of Jerusalem's menorah was able to burn for eight days. Let's call this super high-rated vibe your very own modern Hanukkah miracle.
Night 5: Maccabe-at Off
This toy thrusts in and out as it vibrates, thus totally eliminating the need for any other actual humans in your life ever again. Just put a human-sized body pillow on your Hanukkah wishlist along with this baby, and you'll be solid.
Night 6: Gimel It All Your Loving
Budget-friendly, waterproof, powerful — what more could you ask for? Mazel tov on all the orgasms you'll be having with this thing soon.
Night 7: For A Latke Of Fun
Rabbit Habit Deluxe
Much like a steaming platter of latkes, the Rabbit is a beloved, time-honored symbol of joy. You don't mess with the classics. (If this looks familiar, it's because it's the vibrator that Charlotte got addicted to on Sex and the City. She converted to Judaism by the end of the series, which means the Rabbit already has the stamp of approval from one very posh member of the tribe.)
Night 8: The Moan-orah's Lit
Eroscillator 2 Plus
Just saying, if you line up nine of these in a row, it'd basically look like a menorah.
Happy Hanukkah, friends... and enjoy your own private celebrations.
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