Let's be real: Cold weather is not particularly sexy. When someone asks, "What are you wearing?" there's no way to make "the same pair of long underwear for the last three days" sound like a titillating response. Plus, you have to stand in front of a space heater if you want to stay warm while taking nudes. All that being said, when you need some dirty texts to send to your hookup buddy, humor is your best bet. Funny is always sexy, and as long as you can laugh through your painfully chapped lips, they won't feel so bad, right?
There's no better way to get through these cold months than by having a warm body to curl up next to. But you don't want to risk frostbite just to get some action, either. That's why it's preferable to entice your hookup buddy to coming to you, instead. But anyone would be hesitant to venture out in subzero temperatures, no matter how good you look in flannel. That's why you need to up your text game to pique their interest. With a little bit of creativity, you'll have them putting on their layers and strapping on their snow boots to make the trek to you. Here's what to say.
1. Be Pitiful
Depending on the temperament of your hookup buddy, I've found that pretending to be absolutely pitiable works well for getting them to come to your house. Preface this one by going into elaborate detail about how cold it is in your apartment, but also mention how warm it is in your bed... and you have all of your toys around you... and the only way it could be better would be if your hookup buddy were there.
2. Get Carnal
After sex, the best way to make it through winter is by eating a lot. But why choose? There are lots of ways to eat each other, too. Going down on someone (or having them go down on you) is a good excuse for getting all the way under the covers, and coating each other in your spit has to keep out the cold. It's only primal.
3. Let Your Imagination Take You Away
Think that there's no way that frostbitten cannibalism could be sexy? Don't knock it 'til you try it. Bonus points if you extend this casual role play scenario all the way into your bedroom. I feel like pretending to be survivors huddling from the cold would be some amazing foreplay, but maybe that's just me.
4. Become A Moisturizer Innovator
Cunnilingus: the lasting solution to winter dryness. You heard it here first, folks.
5. Be Raunchy
This might be something that a boy said to me in middle school once that I internalized and then regurgitated a decade later, but when you've been intimately familiar with someone, I feel like it's acceptable to make passes like this. Right?
6. Tell Them How You'll Treat Them
Hot water bottles and wool socks might not seem sexy, but if the blood isn't flowing, there's no way anyone's going to be able to get it up. Offer some tantalizing remedies that will help the blood begin to return to your hookup buddy's limbs to make the freezing journey worth the while.
7. Come Up With Cold Weather Role Play
Other cold-weather role play scenarios: You're a yeti and your hookup buddy has to run from you; they are a team of dogs, and your bed is the sled; you are the little match girl, and they are a rich person inside their warm house who comes outside to rescue you. There are plenty of ways to make being cold a sexy game when you put your mind to it. With a little bit of imagination, you and your hookup buddy can stay warm together until spring.
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