Halloween is fast approaching, and nobody is more aware of this fact than all your married friends; like Diane, who has already told everyone in the office about her plan to dress up as a double-stuffed Oreo with her new hubby Dave. You've held your tongue about the pornographic implications of Diane's costume idea, but will you be able to do the same for all the awful couples costumes you'll be seeing the night of? Halloween is traditionally a celebration of the dead, but based on the last few years, these awful couples costumes have you wondering if we're celebrating the death of personal dignity. Diane and Dave, or "the double-stuffed couple" as they're calling themselves, are just the tip of the iceberg. It gets so much worse.
If it makes you feel any better, you aren't alone in your holiday cynicism. There are too many couples out there who have thrown their personal respectability out the window to turn this holiday into a public statement of their inseparableness. Frankly, it's disgusting. Wait until Valentine's Day, for crying out loud. I'd rather see two people publicly boning on my morning subway commute than see another Halloween couple dressed as milk and cookies. Here are a few awful couple's costume ideas that, if you're anything like me, will make you say, "let's just break up" instead.
1. Khaleesi And Khal Drogo
OK, we get it. You guys have spent the year binging on Game of Thrones and you fancy yourselves some modern hipster version of the King and Queen of the Dothraki. But you're not. "Brendan" is a graphic designer who plays on a men's softball team, and "Jane" rescues cats. You aren't a King and Queen; you don't even pay for the HBO subscription you got this costume idea from.
You could say, "Rosebud, this is about imagination! It's about dressing up as something you're not! Get into the spirit!" Fair enough, but in that case, forgive me if I have a hard time getting into the spirit of your costume. Khal Drogo was like a freight train of human strength, and Brendan has never visited a gym. I'm just saying, you guys are punching out of your weight class.
2. Forrest Gump And Jenn-ay
If there is one thing I learned from this movie, it's that a woman can live a full life, make her own mistakes, find someone who loves her, settle down with him, but she still has to die from AIDS in the end. Is that the love story you want to represent? Stop ruining this Halloween party, please. You're bumming us all out.
3. Commander And The Handmaiden
This is an actual idea I've heard floated around by one couple I know, and here's how I feel about it: Please no. Dear God why. Absolutely not. This is f*cking horrible idea. I don't care how much you loved The Handmaid's Tale or how much of a feminist statement it made, you are making a mistake.
Dressing up in a patriarchal future where women are beaten, raped, and treated like objects (all of which happen to be present threats in our actual reality) does not paint you as a socially conscious couple who loves Halloween. What it does do is put a severely tone-deaf damper on the night, and possibly (hopefully) inspire everyone you know to call Social Services. Here's a better idea: Both of you dress up as prisoners, and handcuff yourselves to your couch, because you deserve to stay home for this one.
4. A Plug And Socket
Here's a non-offensive costume that does two things every couples costume should: 1) It says, "our sex life is filled with laughter" and 2) it makes your friends hate you! Dressing up together in a couples costume already says, "Hey world, we're f*cking!" but turning yourselves into a symbolic penis and vagina? Get out of my house. You've ruined Halloween, Christmas, and possibly our friendship.
5. "The Kissing Sailor" Photograph
We get it, you love each other so much you dressed up as a photo of a sailor kissing his girlfriend so that every time someone guesses you're a 1950s couple you can exclaim, "NOT JUST ANY COUPLE!" spin your girl into a dip, and kiss her passionately while your friends are forced to watch until they take a picture of you for Instagram. This is absolutely detestable. Please, go to a swingers party. Halloween is an island, and you've been voted off.