If you've ever gone a date with someone who was still hooked on a recent ex, there's a good chance you'll be able to tell. That’s because the things you'll notice if your date's getting over a breakup aren't exactly subtle. For example, I once went on a date with someone who clearly had his mind on his previous partner, and I knew it because for every single topic, he steered back to talking about his ex. I finally said, "I think you're on a date with the wrong person. You should probably be saying all of these things to them." He agreed, leapt up, and ran off into the night on what I can only assume he thought would be a rom-com style, grand romantic gesture. To be honest, by that point I was relieved to see him go. However, sadly for my date, his big declaration moment apparently didn't go as planned because about a week later he texted me to see if I wanted to go on a second date.
I did not.
Chances are, if you're dating someone who's still getting over their ex, there are ways to know what's really on their mind. I spoke to several experts about what to look out for if you think your date fit that bill, and here's what they say to be on the lookout for.
The clearest sign that your date is still nursing a broken heart over their ex is, like in my case, that they can't quite seem to stop talking about it. “They may talk about past vacations that their ex was a part of, or they will talk about how they loved to go to a bakery, and that it was where their ex and they had their first date. If a person is talking about their ex, it means that their ex is still on their mind, and they have not gotten over the relationship,” Alessandra Conti, celebrity matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City, tells Elite Daily.
She adds that this is also true if what they are saying about the ex isn’t positive or filled with nostalgia. “A tell-tale sign that someone isn't over their ex is if they use your date with them to complain about all of their ex's negative qualities,” explains Conti. “While it may seem as though this would be a good sign since they are talking badly about their ex, their ex is still on the forefront of their brain, and they are overcompensating for the loss that they are experiencing.”
If the ex that keeps coming up on your date isn’t theirs, but yours instead, that’s another sign they're still getting over their breakup. “[If they] keep asking you if you are over your ex” or they “ask you questions about your ex, in a way that makes you feel like they may be comparing themselves to your ex,” take notes, Laurel House, celebrity dating and relationship coach and host of Man Whisperer podcast, tells Elite Daily. It’s a window into what they are really thinking about. “The reality may be that they are not over their ex, and that they are comparing you to their ex,” says House.
If, like me, you do some social media re-con before or after a date and discover that their ex is still all over their social media, Conti says that likely means they’re still dealing with the breakup. “If a person still has photos of their ex on social media accounts that they actively use, they have not fully gotten over an ex. The relationship is still living on social media, and they haven't had the strength to delete the traces of their past,” she explains.
Sometimes, a common way people try to deal with getting over an ex is to rush into something new, which is why House warns that if your date is trying to speed things along, it may be because they're trying to get over a recent breakup. “It feels like they are rushing through the initial dating steps — quickly adopting a term of endearment for you, wanting to immediately move into a defined relationship status… talking about having children with you, uttering the words I love you — and then maybe taking them back. They are used to being defined by their relationship, and feel comfort in the structure of a relationship,” she says.
While this can all be a bit frustrating on the date itself, honestly, I can't be too mad about it. After all, who hasn’t been in the same (or a similar) situation? When your heart hurts, you just want to feel better. That being said, it's also important to look out for your own happiness and wellbeing. Knowing how to spot if someone you're on a date with isn't really ready to be dating, and kindly hitting pause on the date until they're in a better place, is a great way to look out for yourself and maybe even preserve the chance of something real (if you're into them) down the road.
Or, ya know, you can just push them out the door and then block them when they try and reach out again, like I did. (Just kidding. Don't do that.) The point is, now you have options. Follow your gut and do what feels best for you, whether that's pressing pause and re-evaluating later, or confronting your date about their apparent fixation on their ex. Either way, if you're serving yourself and your best interests, you can't go wrong.
