4 Signs You Keep Picking The Wrong 'Type' For You, According To Matchmakers
I wouldn't say I have a "type" anymore, but if I had to define it, it would just be someone I vibe with, someone who makes me laugh and thinks my dumb jokes are funny — oh, and definitely someone who's kind. Appearance, style, and even gender really don't matter as much to me anymore. It's all about humor and heart now, but that wasn't always true. There was definitely a time when I did have a type and it could be summed up as "tall and troubled." If you're looking for signs you keep picking wrong type, my dating history is exhibit A —just a slideshow of hot messes, drama, broken hearts, and discarded 36-inch inseam jeans. Fortunately, I eventually broke that cycle and found a nice, funny, short dude who makes me really, really happy. And if I can do it, you definitely can, too.
The first step is to recognize your pattern. What is it about the type of person you're currently drawn to that makes them not compatible for you, or for the future that you want? The second part is to be open-minded, because veering away from your "type" is going to require you to step outside your comfort zone and start considering new types of folks to date, if that is, in fact, your problem to begin with. Here's how to recognize the signs you're picking the wrong type of person for you, according to the experts in the field: matchmakers.
1. You are single, but you don’t want to be.
We all have that friend who seems to effortlessly fall into relationship after relationship. (Like it isn't incredibly hard, or something.) If you’ve ever struggled to find someone ready to commit, it can be really frustrating. However, according to Alessandra Conti, celebrity matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City, the problem may just be that you are picking the wrong type of person for you.
“This a sign that you are in a pattern of being attracted to and attracting the wrong types of people for you,” Conti tells Elite Daily. However, she does say (reassuringly) that, "being single is a time of exploration — you should be dating a variety of different types of men/women, and learning what qualities you love and what qualities are fun in-the-moment, but not necessarily long-term relationship quality.”
2. Your relationships always stall out.
Early on, relationships are kind of like sharks: If they don't keep moving forward, they die. So, if your pattern is usually that you meet someone, start dating, and then get stuck in the “what are we” phase, Conti warns you may be choosing people who are either the wrong type, or in the wrong phase of their life.
“Maybe you are attracted to the ‘free spirit’ spontaneous person, but this person also can't seem to hold down a stable job," explains Conti. "Or maybe you love a brooding loner, but this person is struggling with bigger internal issues and needs to take care of those issues before they can even think of inviting another person into their life. As a matchmaker, I look for men and women who are at a stable place in their lives [because] when a person has stability in other areas of their life, then they are able to take a romantic relationship seriously.”
3. When you’re in a relationship, you feel uneasy or anxious.
Maybe your issue isn’t that you can’t find a partner, but that you can’t seem to find someone you feel totally safe being vulnerable with, and that could be because you’re not picking someone fully compatible with you.
“If the primary emotion that you are experiencing when you think of your relationship is that of anxiety, you may be picking the wrong type of person for you,” says Conti. “Butterflies are beautiful, but butterflies should not turn to an overwhelming feeling of dread, distrust, or anxiousness when you think of the person who you are dating. A long-term relationship should have sparks, but it should also have security.”
4. You keep dating people who you can’t really connect with.
We’ve all made the mistake of dating someone just because they're really, really hot, only to find out that beyond that, there really isn’t much there. But if you're having this experience repeatedly, Chicago-based matchmaker Stef Safran tells Elite Daily it's time to reevaluate how you're choosing your dates because, “You are picking [them] based on attraction rather than long-term compatibility.” Instead she suggests that if you want to find the right type of partner for you that, “you have to start giving a wider range of people a chance and not make assumptions within just one or two dates.”
Lori Salkin, senior matchmaker and dating coach at SawYouatSinai.com, agrees. She tells Elite Daily, “The unattainable, cool, exciting, supermodel, brilliant and successful girl or guy, while they can be someone very exciting for a first date or very fun, adventurous and thrilling, [but they are] not always the best long-term relationship or marriage material.”
Why This Keeps Happening
If all that sounds painfully familiar, the first step to breaking the cycle is to understand why you keep picking the wrong type of person to date. According to Conti, the explanation is pretty simple. “Humans are creatures of habit, and sometimes we are instinctively attracted to a certain type because we feel an almost-level of security with that type; the known, even if it is horrible, is less scary than the unknown,” she says.
Or it could just simply be some unrealized fear of commitment, says Safran. “There can be a fear of being bored or just settling for someone that you won’t be happy with it. Especially if you have watched close friends or your parents in a less-than-ideal marriage you might equate comfortable with boring,” she explains. Salkin agrees, saying:
“People often seek out the more exciting date partners time and time again over the more realistic normal ones because the latter makes them feel as though they are settling. While the more exciting first date partner is always going to seem like the more appealing prospect with more potential from the outset, that person is likely focusing on their dating and not looking to invest into a relationship.”
Hence, the cycle continues.
How To Break The Pattern For Good
So, what should you do when you’re really ready to find the right type for you? Conti says, “breaking free of the pattern of picking the wrong type for you is easier than you think. It is all about giving people a chance, and going against the urge to judge a person based on your first impression of them. With dating, first impressions are fleeting. Make a pact with yourself that you will stop making a snap judgement about a person when they first sit down.”
Salkin says it's also important to just relax and not to put so much pressure on first dates. “Take things one date at a time," she explains. "Do not try to decide after the first date or second date if you are going to marry that person, there is no need to pressure yourself into worrying about what is going to be six months or even a year from now.”
She adds, “Eliminating the pressure will enable you to enjoy getting to know the people you are dating and allow you to realize you have found someone who actually is exciting and perfect for you even if they weren't the most thrilling date prospect from the get-go.”
Ultimately, that's the best advice: Just relax. Don’t pile on the pressure and freak yourself out. Dating is about getting to know people and figuring out what is that you want. When you’re ready to settle down and commit, find someone who is on the same page, and, if you need help doing that, there are always matchmakers who are willing and able to step in with the assist.
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