When we think about sex, the focus is usually on the body and what it’s experiencing. While that is, of course, a really integral part of the sexual experience, sometimes you forget about another very important organ — your brain! Your body may be very much present during sex, but the mind often has a way of wandering off on its own. That's totally common, but sometimes it goes places you really wish it wouldn't, and you might even wonder if some of those thoughts are normal thoughts to have during sex.
Good news: The answer is yeah, they probably are. "The only types of thoughts that should worry you during sex are ones which involve consent," Brit Burr, editor at large of Psych n Sex, tells Elite Daily. "If you aren't sure a sexual interaction is entirely consensual, stop and ask again. Or ask your partner to stop. Consent comes first." Beyond that, you don't need to worry. But just to be sure, I asked the experts what some common, unexpected thoughts people have during sex are, and how to overcome any that may be getting in the way of you just relaxing and enjoying yourself.
Sadly, a frequent unwanted thought that can come up during sex is related to body image. “One of the most common experiences that people report thinking about is their anxiety, whether it is about how they perceive their body image, or if they are concerned about odor, or whether they will orgasm or not,” says Good Clean Love founder and psychosexual therapist, Wendy Strgar. “Our anxious thoughts commonly crowd our mind while trying to be intimate,” she adds.
If you've ever been in the moment and suddenly had an intense and surprising sexual thought or fantasy come out of nowhere, it's normal to feel a little embarrassed about it. But Strgar reassures us that “all fantasies are normal,” even the ones that you wouldn't ever actually put into action. That's because, as Strgar explains, fantasies are “another way that your subconscious mind is working out your desire and your pain points. Where it is troubling is if we have to spend so much energy shutting them off, we lose attention to our sexual moment.”
If you've ever been in the middle of having sex and realize you're not really enjoying yourself — not because you didn't want to do it, but because it just isn't that great — then Burr empathizes. “We've all been there,” she confides. “The thing is, the realization that you're having bad sex can be a huge bummer if you really like the person you're doing it with.” While that may be disappointing, these thoughts, says Burr, are totally normal. “Not everyone has amazing sexual chemistry from the get-go. Don't feel bad about thinking that your partner isn't satisfying you. This is actually a great opportunity to ask about what they like and want in bed and give yourself a platform to do the same. Baby steps!”
If you find that you’re regularly being distracted by negative thoughts during sex, then Burr says there are many ways to combat them. “First and foremost,” she says, “practice self-love outside of the bedroom. Eliminate negative thoughts about yourself (I know, easier said than done) as much as possible and practice more acts of self-care.” Burr also recommends that, in order to become more comfortable with your naked self, that you be naked and masturbate more often. “How are you supposed to be comfortable with your sexual self and naked self with someone else if you aren't by yourself?” asks Burr. “Look at your body, touch your body, acknowledge every part of your body, exist within your skin, and find pleasure within yourself.”
Ultimately, the takeaway here is to practice radical self-acceptance — from the way your body looks to the way your mind works. If you begin from a place of self-love, you’ll be amazed by how many of the things causing you anxiety during sex either go away or just cease to be a problem. When in doubt, love yourself!
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