Sex is awesome. When you are enthusiastically consenting to get freaky AF, there is nothing better. But we've all been there when things suddenly go... awry. There you are in the moment, and you are feeling yourself, and then, suddenly, something really awkward happens. Oh, God, no! You just want to pretend didn't happen. Maybe it’s a sound you'd prefer to save for more private moments, or you have a sex move go catastrophically wrong. Now, the mood is DOA, and all you want to do is hide under the bed. There are always awkward things that happen during sex, though, and no matter what happened, I promise you that you are not alone.
Despite awkward horizontal happenings being totally common, we hardly ever seem to talk about them, mostly because it’s embarrassing. Sure, you might discuss the "incident" with a close girl friend in hushed tones, but for the most part, we keep quiet about our sexual mishaps, only to occasionally remember them and cringe. But it’s high time we get it all out in the open. Fortunately, I have approximately zero shame, so I am willing, nay, excited to run through a few of the awesomely awkward things that can (and let’s be honest, probably will) happen during sex.
1. Queefs And Farts
They may not tell you this in sex ed, but at some point, you will either queef or fart — or both — during sex. All that thrusting is going to push some air into the vagina, and there is only one path for it to get back out. Sure, it sounds funny when it happens, but it's literally just air, so don't sweat it. And farts? I mean, no one wants to fart during sex, but when you're really relaxed or there's pressure on your abdomen, sometimes, it just happens. To. All. Of. Us.
2. An Unexpected Three-Way With Aunt Flo
If you are someone with irregular periods, or even regular ones, it's totally possible to get caught off guard by surprise menstruation. There is a lot of societal shame around having a period, which is some seriously patriarchal B.S. So while it's not ideal to suddenly have a heavy flow on bae, it's not your fault and nothing to be ashamed off. Just hop in the shower together for round two.
3. Gagging On The D
We all have a shame slideshow that occasionally flashes through our minds. A friend of mine once described one of her "slides" as the time she was giving someone a blow job and literally threw up on their D. Oops! Hey, it happens. If you gag, don't be embarrassed. Just take it easy and respect what your reflex is telling you.
4. A Boner No-Show
Yes, it does really happen to most people at some point, but there is no reason to make a big deal out of someone not getting an erection. If anything, focusing on it will only makes things worse. And, hey, there's always oral!
5. Untimely Orgasms
Whether they are happening too soon, too late, or not at all, the big O's arrival can be awkward. Just be sure to keep the orgasm ETA lines of communication (cum-munication?) open, so you both can slow down or speed up as needed.
6. The Infamous Wet Spot
Don't be ashamed of your lady puddle — that’s a puddle of pride! It means y'all had a great time. High five each other, and then, grab a towel so no one is stuck sleeping in it.
7. Condom Fails
Always wear a condom. Always. That being said, sometimes, that condom can get a little squirrely on you. It can break or tear or even fall off while still inside of you. In that scenario, keep your cool and head straight to the pharmacy for some emergency contraception.
9. Uh, Wrong Way, Buddy
Oh, you know know this move. When they "accidentally" (possibly on purpose) take a wrong turn at the fork of the road and start speeding toward Buttholes-ville, and you have to give them the “Ahem! Wrong way, buddy!” warning. Listen, if you want to go for some anal, that's great, but there is some prep work to be done — and, of course, enthusiastic consent — before you veer off to the road less traveled.
10. New Position Fail
We all like to keep things spicy, and one of the best ways to do that is trying new positions in bed. But let’s be honest: Some of them are ridiculous. You have to be a gold medal gymnast to even attempt them. Occasionally, when you're feeling extra ambitious, you may give one a shot only to have it fail in a spectacular fashion. Don’t be embarrassed, though. Just laugh and proceed to a more reliable position.
12. Mojave Crotch
We've all had those moments where the heart is willing, but there is an unseasonal drought in your pants. This is especially annoying if you don’t have any lube handy, and your V won’t cooperate no matter how, er, handy your partner is. In this scenario, the best thing to do is to just take it slow. You may just need more foreplay… or maybe just a raincheck (pun intended).
Sex can be a very messy business, which can be awesome. Less awesome, though, is when things get everywhere you don’t want them to... like in your hair or, you know, your eyes. These things happen, but can be prevented with a little communication and (*ahem*) courtesy.
14. Can’t Get It In
No shade, no judgment. It's just that, sometimes, some folks in some positions can't get there — literally. But that’s OK. I promise. Just change positions to one that works better for both of you and get back down to business.
15. The Overzealous Thrust Mishap
Yikes. This is one of those catastrophic scenarios I mentioned that can occur. when you two are going to town, full jackhammer-style. Then, whoops! Things get a little too enthusiastic, and out your partner comes only to slam back into your labia. Ouch. No fun for anyone involved.
16. Potty Problems
Listen, I am not going to lie to you. Accidental peeing and pooping in the boudoir is a major bummer. (Bum-mer, ha!) But I promise it's not the end of the world, and it's also mostly preventable. Always pee before sex, stop if you feel like you need to go in the middle, and when exploring anal, do the necessary pre-gaming to keep things hygienic.
17. Uninvited Furry Visitors
This may be the cutest sexual snafu, but it can still be awkward AF. I’m talking about when you're in throes of passion, and suddenly, a fuzzy little uninvited guest shows up. Maybe you're in the zone, when suddenly, you feel like you're being watched. So you glance over, only to lock eyes with your pet. Or, as a friend of mine one described, during sex, their partner suddenly yelped and jumped up because something licked their leg. Yet another friend of mine had a cat take up residence on their butt during sex and stubbornly refused to move.
I guess, of all the awkward things that could happen in bed, this one is at least pretty dang adorable.
OK, so, yeah, these moments can be really embarrassing, but they can also be a great opportunity to bond with your partner over the humor of it all. If there is one thing you should take away from this, it's that, sometimes, stuff happens when you're making the beast with two backs (or three backs in the case of number 17). But don't take it so seriously. Laughing off the awk moments together can actually increase your intimacy and make sex even more fun over time.
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