10 'Home Alone' Quotes For Your Tinder Bio To Help You Weed Out The Wet Bandits
What's your all-time favorite December movie? (Not going to embroil myself on either side of the "war on Christmas," because really, I just love presents.) My favorite DM (December Movie) is probably the claymation Rudolph if I'm being honest, It's A Wonderful Life if I'm being sophisticated, and Home Alone if I'm being "cool." I love Rudolph because of nostalgia and my love of narwhals, It's A Wonderful Life because of feels, and the 1990 film in which a child is abandoned on Christmas, because there are so many Home Alone quotes for your Tinder bio to use.
I'm only half-kidding about that last part. In case you weren't a '90s baby, Home Alone is actually pretty lit in terms of quality quotes volume — lit like a Christmas tree, one might even say. So why not pepper your Tinder bio with an excerpt from Kevin McAllister's terrifying nightmare of a Christmas that John Hughes somehow brilliantly fashioned into a comedy (major props)? Whether you're looking for a Hanukkah hangout or a dinner with a stranger to take your mind off the existential loneliness that's on full blast as the new year careens directly at you, there's a quote for that. Here are a few Home Alone quotes to finally replace the extra innovative "BOS>SFO>NYC [emoji]" you probably currently have in your Tinder bio.
1. "I'm going to feed you to my tarantula."
A bold threat from the solidly sassy Buzz McAllister. I like it. I especially like it because it means whoever is swiping right on you on Tinder is either 1) a person with great knowledge of movie quotes or 2) a total freak. Fun times either way.
2. "Not what the French call 'les incompetents.'"
Shout out to Linnie McAllister, who knows how to deliver a solidly sophisticated insult. (This quote has been adjusted for your bio use so that you can be clear that you, while sophisticated, are certainly not incompetent.)
3. "I made my family disappear."
I mean, I would definitely initiate conversation with a match with this Kevin McAllister quote hanging solo in their bio. So many questions, including, "Are you serious, or are you referencing Home Alone?" If you try this one, screenshot the replies and send them my way, please.
4. "A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period."
Buzz serving up the realness yet again. This is good for those of you headed home for the holidays, especially if you do live on the most boring street in the USA and are hoping to match with your sophomore year chemistry partner crush. Hey, stranger things have happened... namely, a comedy about leaving your child in another continent being one of greatest comedies of all time. (I know, I know. I cannot get over this.)
5. "I'm over here, you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police."
I enjoy this one because anyone who is cool with being called a "big horse' ass" is a guaranteed fun time at a bar over drinks.
6. "This house is so full of people, it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone. Did you hear me?"
Telling it like it is from swipe one, huh? I dig it. Also, Kevin McAllister really gets me.
7. "Bless this highly nutritious, microwavable, macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen."
There's nothing like a mention of Stouffer's-adjacent macaroni and cheese to really get a conversation started. I also like that Kevin's highly mature tone could start an entire overly appreciative conversation about junk foods. I'm into this.
8. "It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza."
Because who can resist pizza? I enjoy that you can segue this into "Want to grab pizza?" very easily.
9. "I'm going through all your private stuff! You'd better come out and pound me!"
To: Buzz. Love, Kevin. Or, To: Your Future Bae, Love Your Thirsty Human.
This line is sure to create some fun times for you. Remember, though, always meet in a public place. If Home Alone can teach us anything, it's that looks can be deceiving.
10. "All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits."
Or simply, "I'm a wet bandit." Again, this is for those of you who know exactly what you want. Have fun.
On that note, Happy holidays. I hope they are filled with pizza, mac-n-cheese, mac-n-cheese pizza, feelings of abandonment, fun times with non-bandits, and so on. Now, please excuse me while I go figure out where I can stream Home Alone online.
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