Halloween is here, and although it's on a Monday -- which I'm sure we can agree is the spookiest day of the week -- I'm here to make it even more harrowing.
Every haunted house movie goes like this:
- Family moves into a house.
- Family experiences scary ghost shit.
- Family learns about ghost's sad, murder-y past in the house.
- Family a) escapes or b) dies.
Canadian website Housecreep.com lets you look up your house to see if anyone was either murdered or committed suicide before you lived there. The website also includes any previous reports of paranormal activity.
Yeah. A couple of Canadian brothers named Albert and Robert Armieri are here to ruin horror movie plot lines forever.
(Perhaps they became interested in stories of brutality because their parents named them Albert and Robert, which is an act of utter cruelty. But it's not my place to speculate.)
The tagline of the site is, "The go-to source for finding stigmatized properties."
The website is crowd-sourced, so it's still building its American catalogue.
Now, every haunted house movie will run into this problem:
SCENE: HAUNTED HOUSE, MORNING.
JENNIFER (girl in dirty white tank top, who just graduated from college and has returned home to take care of precocious younger sister after parents died in a plane crash): Sarah, you're going to think I'm crazy, but I heard this, like, weird banging last night in the kitchen. And, oh god, I think it sounded like someone was singing a nursery rhyme about...
SARAH (Tech savvy younger sister on her iPhone): Yeah, just looked it up. A 9-year-old was killed in 1931 when her drunk aunt knocked over an oil lamp. The aunt ran out to safety, leaving the child inside. Anyway, I just booked us a hotel and set up a couple of apartment viewings for tomorrow. Get your stuff, we're leaving.
By the way, the site also includes things like odd deaths, methamphetamine labs and any sort of unseemly or creepy story.
Look up your house or neighborhood today if you never want to sleep again.
Happy Halloween, motherfuckers.