Remember lice? Crabs for your skull that everyone was scared of getting as a kid? Well, anyway, they're back, and they're coming for you this summer.
Sea lice, also known as beach lice, which sound like they are more relaxed and have better bodies than normal lice, are huge assholes.
Sea lice outbreaks have started plaguing Gulf Coast shorelines, and biologists believe that they will start moving up the coast toward more temperate waters. Translation: They might be coming here.
Sea lice are actually jellyfish larvae, which seems much less gross to me than the scalp crabs from my insect-ridden youth, but they are microscopic and can't be seen underwater.
So, you'll jump into the water where thousands of invisible jellyfish will suddenly sting you all over, and you'll break out into a rash luxuriously called “seabather's eruption.” Whatever scientist came up with that needs to stop naming allergic reactions after times he has masturbated at the beach.
"Seabather's eruption" causes a horrible rash to appear on the affected area, usually around 24 hours after you are stung, and will occur more easily and severely the more often you've had it.
To make matters worse, we are currently in the exact season that sea lice are most active.
If you get these horrible stings, people say the best way to quickly curb the rash is to rub sand all over the “eruption” and wash it with hot water.
Also, just start praying now that this doesn't happen to you. They're like the bed bugs of the sea.