Helen Uniñas, a journalist at Philly.com, decided to see how long it would take her to buy the gun used in the Orlando mass shooting -- an AR-15. It is the same weapon that was used in the mass shootings of Newton, Aurora and San Bernardino, among others.
So she went to a Philly gun shop and began her test.
That's how long it took before she was literally holding an AR-15 in her hands.
Seven minutes. From the moment I handed the salesperson my driver's license to the moment I passed my background check.
Yes, you can buy a semi-automatic assault rifle designed for the military in less time than it takes to order at a drive-thru.
The gun, she pointed out, was on display in the shop window that day. It had been luxuriously promoted by the store as the "gun of the week."
It's almost impossible not to laugh at the absurdity of the state of things. Seven minutes. Less time than it takes to boil pasta. Less time than it takes for me to walk to the subway every morning. It boggles the mind.
Here is a list of 10 things that take longer to do than buying the weapon responsible for the worst mass shooting in the history of this blood-soaked country.
1. This OK drawing of an AR-15 that I just did
It took me longer to draw a picture of this gun, than it would have taken me to just buy a real one.
2. The song "American Pie," by Don McLean
This song is over 8 minutes somehow.
3. This not good drawing of an “American Pie” DVD
This drawing took me a total of nine minutes. In that time I could have bought an AR-15 and then read this whole article.
4. Waiting for your “Bowling for Columbine” iTunes rental to finish downloading
Yes, we've known that the NRA has been complicit in mass shootings since 1999.
5. Deciding what to watch on Netflix
By the time you and your significant other have settled on "whatever you want!", you could have purchased a military-grade assault rifle with a 30-round clip.
6. Finding a "good enough" porn video to masturbate to
The perpetrators don't have to think about which gun is good enough, because they all just use the same one -- a gun originally designed for use in the Vietnam war.
7. The 72-hour mandatory waiting period to get an abortion
In six states, there is a 72-hour waiting period between the time you first visit a doctor and when you're finally allowed to undergo the abortion procedure, a procedure that takes 10 minutes. The waiting period is intended to raise costs for women through transportation, accommodations, child care and time off work.
8. Picking up a prescription for hemorrhoid cream.
Purchasing the medicinal ointment you (yes, you) need to soothe your anus takes longer than purchasing a tool for murdering another human being.
9. Saving 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico
This post was not sponsored by Geico.
10. Not Donald Trump having sex
Unfortunately, some things do take less time than the seven minutes it takes to buy an AR-15. And the 59 seconds it takes Donald Trump to hump a person until his tiny spray-tanned groin snout secretes his infertile ejaculate is one of those things.