This is not what "give a dog a bone" means, people.
Let's be a real. There are two types of people in this crazy mixed up world we live in: dog lovers and PEOPLE WITHOUT SOULS.
However, the fine team over at Havahart recently conducted a survey that suggests that maybe we love our dogs too much.
OK, whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you smash your laptop screen with a dog toy out of pure puppy-induced rage, allow me to explain.
These statistics start out pretty predictably. I mean, who doesn't love cuddling with their little furry friend (or "mini bear" as I like to call them)?
But 22.9 percent of people said they love an animal as much as their own children?
I'm sorry, but the only way that I'd love a dog like a son is if it emerged out of my future wife's vagina.
You hear that? Around 2 percent of dog owners admit to having make-out seshes with their dogs.
Look, we all get lonely during those dreary winter nights, but having your dog lick your inner mouth hole must violate some code from the Geneva convention.
While I'm sure it's adorable, dancing with your dog sounds really sad.
Let's not even mention the small, but alarming, group of dog owners that try dog food. Too late! I already mentioned them and they're horrible.
Can you imagine a dog inheriting my millions of dollars? Don't make me laugh. Also, no one is getting anything in my will because there is nothing to give, so leave me alone.
And finally, there's this nauseous statistic that will cause you all to lose your lunch.
That's right, 38 percent of dog owners have done doggy-style (OK, fine, and other "styles" of sexual intercourse) in front of their dogs and let their pets watch like creepy voyeurs. Why not give them "Eyes Wide Shut" masks, huh? YOU'RE SICK.
Can someone please call up Sarah McLachlan STAT? This is not cool.