It Turns Out Your Adorable Pet Cat Probably Wants To Kill You
Your cat is a murderous neurotic sociopath who, listen to me very closely, will murder you the second he or she gets the chance.
Cat people will do anything for their beloved pets.
My friend once spent $3,000 on getting her cat's liver fixed, which is bonkers because that friend worked at Panera at the time and used duct tape to fix a 5-foot crack in the chassis of her Celica.
The thing is, though, cats would never do the same for you. They'd never pay for your medical treatments, they'd never spend money on buying you fancy food and they'd never give you a cute name starting with “Professor” or “Dr.” or “Commander.”
In fact, a recent study suggests they'd 100 percent kill you if given the chance.
University of Edinburgh researchers recently used the “Big Five” personality traits found in humans -- extraversion/introversion, openness to experience, agreeableness, conscientiousness and neuroticism -- to analyze the personalities of domestic cats and cats found in the wild.
Researchers found all 100 domestic cats they studied in two Scottish shelters shared the same three traits: neuroticism, impulsiveness and dominance.
So basically, cats are jumpy AF, have zero control over their actions and will do anything to show they're the most powerful things in the room.
You know, kind of like anyone on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”
Dr. Max Wachtel told the BBC these traits are the ones that make lions dangerous to be around. He said,
If you're standing around a pride of lions, sometimes you'd be fine and other times they will pounce and attack for no reason.
Essentially, cats are tiny and cute versions of incredibly aggressive and deadly lions, meaning there is no actual danger. A domesticated cat can't really do any damage to a full-size human unless it's voiced by Antonio Banderas and wearing boots.
Study author Marieke Gartner pointed out it's a little outlandish to truly think cats want to kill their owners.
She more just thinks cats end up being jumpy and aggressive because people don't know exactly how to treat them.
... or maybe that's EXACTLY what cats want you to think.