I guess you could say my upbringing was a little naïve. Growing up in a small suburban town, I wasn’t exposed to violence, real fear or Beyoncé haters until after high school. It was only as the comment section on the Internet began to flourish and the spiteful world of Twitter came to life that I realized there is true evil in this world.
It's an evil so powerful, it threatens to destroy the very foundation on which we build our lives. It seeks to crush the Bey-utiful, bash the bootylicious and dethrone a true Queen. However, my parents always taught me to keep an open mind and try to consider the thoughts of others… even when they are the ignorant, possibly psychotic, definitely deranged people who don’t think of Beyoncé as the flawless monarch of the music industry that she is.
They don’t “Bow Down,” but rather, choose to voice their incredibly uneducated viewpoints on Yoncé and her legions of loyal followers. So instead of immediately rushing out and finding a doctor to prescribe them the proper medication to bring their minds back to a sane place, or suggesting they head “to the left, to the left,” I will attempt to understand these sad individuals, using their own stated opinions.
These 10 “reasons” for hating Beyoncé are directly lifted from our foolhardy friend, the Internet. [WARNING: Some of these quotes are painful to read, as they are simply too stupid to be considered actual logic.]
1. “She lip syncs.”
What’s interesting about this point is that no other singer in the history of singing has ever performed along with a pre-recorded track in a live performance -- literally, not one. Not Madonna, not Britney, not Christina, not Gaga, not Mariah. Just Beyoncé.
This complaint mainly hit the haters’ keyboards around January 2013 when Beyoncé performed the “National Anthem” at President Barack Obama’s outdoor inauguration ceremony.
A less-than-honorable member of the US Marine Band leaked the intel that Bey had performed with a pre-recorded track. In this case (and really, in any case), I don’t need to defend my girl because she attended an NFL press conference for the 2013 Super Bowl (you know, where she literally blew the lights off the half time show) soon after the inauguration and gave an awe-inspiring a cappella rendition of the anthem before opening up the floor for questions.
Basically, it’s honorable that she didn’t just mic drop all you sad sacks and leave you to pick up your jaws. You try singing one of the most vocally challenging songs ever written in freezing January temperatures, with the pressure of a historic inauguration hanging over your head. Oh, that’s right; you would literally never be in that situation. Next.
2. “She’s too sexual. No one wants to hear about her sex life.”
If people don't want to hear about Beyoncé and Jay Z’s sex life, it’s because they know their own sex lives could literally never compare. Bey’s former Destiny’s Child lackey, Michelle Williams, recently admitted to being embarrassed by how sexual her idol’s new record is.
I will admit that I’ve never been able to watch the music video for “Rocket” all the way through, and I scramble to change that song like I did with the Backstreet Boys classic “Everybody” in elementary school, as the Nick Carter made all three syllables of the word “sexual” literally sound like soft core porn. But you can’t fault the girl for expressing her own reality. You’d better believe that with a body like that of booty-poppin Yoncé, sex is a reality. Next.
3. “She’s a man-hater!”
Mostly this slam comes from -- you guessed it -- men. It’s also the biggest indicator that they haven’t listened to more than one or two of the chart-topper's biggest hits.
Rarely in today’s music industry do you hear songs about loving a man on any record more than Beyoncé’s. Her songs read like Taylor Swift’s, but in reverse… and bearable. Fortunately, she and Jay Z are married because otherwise, she’d be seriously "Swimfan"-ing him. Bey is “Drunk in Love,” “Crazy in Love,” “Dangerously in Love” and she always puts her “Love on Top.” Next.
4. “She tried to have her baby’s name trademarked. How ridiculous!”
More noteworthy than the birth of actual royalty (sorry, Prince George) was the introduction of Blue Ivy Carter into a world that’s simply not worthy. This light in the ever-growing darkness is the essence of perfection.
And when people are exposed to perfection, they often try to imitate it. Bey and Jay knew that any attempt at imitating Blue Ivy’s genius would make the copycat look like a fool. And since they are such generous people, they helped those sad posers by plucking them from a lifetime of shame and humiliation. Next.
5. “She’s all media hype.”
Are you kidding? Are you seriously kidding? No, you’re not kidding? Okay, well in your spare time -- because you clearly are single and hopefully no one has hired you -- you should check out her 17 Grammy awards, countless honors from political figures like the late Nelson Mandela, and while you’re at it, look into her record-breaking, surprise album drop that has literally never been done in the history of doing things. Next.
6. “She’s a bad role model for girls.”
Forget the fact that literally every one of her songs is about female empowerment; Bey embraces her sexuality so she must be stopped. Let me remind you that Beyoncé is 32 and had more than 15 years in the business before releasing her new, self-titled raunchfest. She didn’t go straight from the Disney Channel to twerking on a married man.
She went from the world of teen dating, to finding “The One,” to showing the world that couples don’t die after they get married and have a baby. *GASP.* They can still have sex. Next.
7. “She’s a mother now! She shouldn’t be dressing like that.”
Ah yes, I forgot; once you become a mother you shrivel up and crawl into bed like the creepy grandparents in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." In fact, Beyoncé should cover up all of her God-given curves, throw on a muumuu and consider running for PTA president. Next.
8. “I can’t believe they let her open the Grammys. #Fail”
I, too, was appalled by this decision. Who, in their right minds, would start off a show with the biggest talent currently in the music industry? Don’t the producers know that there was literally no other reason to watch after Bey and Jay were "grindin’ on that wood"? Next.
9. “It’s awkward because I would like to marry both Jay Z and Beyoncé.”
This is also an understandable complaint. Although, one must remember that much of Beyoncé and Jay Z’s perfection lies in the fact that they are the world’s greatest power couple. Try and divide them and suffer the wrath of Yoncé. Next.
10. “I’m going to sleep, and if I don’t wake up as Beyoncé, I’m going to be pissed.”
So this is probably the most common complaint I’ve seen. One of the most painful life lessons you’ll learn as you grow up is that you are not, nor will you ever be, Beyoncé. It’s kind of like when you learn that Santa isn’t real and that taxes are. There is no solution to this struggle, just like there’s no way you can’t tear up while listening to “Halo.” It’s just a fact of life.
Side Note: I also gazed over some comments claiming Beyoncé is “ugly,” but decided not to mention them here as it is not kind to mock the blind.
Photo credit: WENN