The Chainsmokers have just released their first full-length album ever, so you know what that means: 12 new EDM-infused pop songs that you're going to be hearing at literally every party thrown by a salmon-shorts-wearing, Bachelors-in-Business frat bro.
If you know a twenty-something white dude with a trust fund that still feels "misunderstood" and "tortured" because some girl didn't want to sleep with him, then you're definitely going to be hearing about this new album: Memories... Do Not Open.
Here are the lyrics that the douchey guy wearing a snapback you were beer pong partners with at a terrible frat party is going to find super profound.
1. When they think being self-aware of their shittiness makes their shittiness okay.
From "The One"
You know, I'm sorry I won't make it to your party Got caught up in my own selfishness
Great. Don't come. Have fun getting caught up in your selfishness?
2. When they shame a girl for changing her mind about having sex with them.
From "Break Up Every Night"
And I know you say you want it now Give me the runaround Which one am I with now? She's got seven personalities, every one's a tragedy
You know what's really, incredibly not okay? Saying that a girl who doesn't want to sleep with you has multiple personalities and they all suck.
3. When they confuse being crossfaded with being interesting.
I'm fucked up, I'm faded I'm so complicated
That's great that you're drunk and high. Really, good for you! But does that really make you "so complicated," or like, at all different from every other frat bro? Give Avril Lavigne her word back.
4. When they score a girl by being the worst people ever.
From "My Type"
You don't gotta say it, I know you ain't stayin' over And I won't even mention the fact that you're never sober I never know which side I'm gonna get tonight And the closer we get, the less I think I know you But you're just my type
These lines are sung by a female singer (Emily Warren) to The Chainsmokers. Somehow they're "just her type" despite the fact that they clearly don't care about her at all. Lovely.
5. When they try to convince a girl to stay in a toxic relationship.
If we go down then we go down together They'll say you could do anything They'll say that I was clever
Sooo.... this relationship is "going down," but you still won't let her get away from you? They even employ that fun little gaslighting technique of predicting what her friends will tell her to try to get her to leave Mr. Chainsmoker.
6. When they brag about hooking up on tour.
And there's this girl, she wants me to take her home She don't really love me though, I'm just on the radio
7. When they present their aggressive behavior as "love."
We both know I go too far like when I wrecked your car And almost fought your father when he pushed me in the yard And all those nights we snuck out, like to meet up at the bar Don't worry, my love, we're learning to love But it's hard when you're young
Ummm, I don't think crashing your girlfriend's car and then threatening to fight her dad is as romantic as you seem to think it is?