Why is that when you set music to words, it changes their impact on those who hear them? Some songs end up allowing us to connect with them in profound ways, and it's beautiful.
Other times, we enjoy the song so much that we are somehow unaware of how incredibly inappropriate the lyrics are. Country music is a major culprit of this.
Fans know that once the artists start singing, we're either too captivated or too busy having fun to even give the meaning behind the song any thought. There are nine things that are only acceptable to smile and laugh about when sung with a Southern accent:
1. Pressuring Someone To Cheat On His Girlfriend
"Break Up With Him" by Old Dominion
Sometimes, people fall in love under less than perfect circumstances. Yes, sometimes one or both of those people are with someone else. However, calling some woman up and telling her repeatedly to break up with her boyfriend and be with you is a little rude.
That is, unless you're a hot country singer, and you end the drunken phone call saying, "No pressure, whatever." Right.
2. Getting So Hammered That You Marry A Stranger
"Last Name" by Carrie Underwood
We all know the typical drunk Vegas wedding stories. They're a pretty common storyline in TV shows and movies. But how is it that Carrie Underwood takes it to a level, where it's like, "Oh dear, oopsie. What are we going to do with her?"
Getting drunk to the point where you don't even know the name of the guy you married is probably a sign you have a problem. (Yes, I know it's just a song. Carrie Underwood did not actually do this. She seems like a lovely lady.)
3. Committing A Felony Because A Guy Cheated On You
"Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
Carrie is at it again. This time, she's passionately recounting a woman's decision to obliterate her ex's car because he cheated on her.
Let's get one thing straight here: Cheaters suck. However, there isn't really a circumstance in which something a guy did to you makes it legal or even reasonable to take a baseball bat to their car.
I don't want to hear about how empowering this song is for women. It's just not a good idea, guys.
4. Obsessing Over A Random Woman's Ass
"Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" by Trace Adkins
To be honest, when my friend first told me about this song like 10 years ago, I was really thrown off. I asked her to repeat the title several times before finally figuring out what was happening. I know this is just a party song, but seriously?
Granted it is hilarious, but under no circumstances would I find the things this guy says funny if he didn't have the backing track. I mean, wondering how she gets her pants on with her massive behind? That's disgusting.
5. Asking Women To Hook Up With You While Recounting Sexual Encounters With Other Women
"Save a Horse (Ride A Cowboy)" by Big & Rich
This one is a crowd favorite. Even people who aren't country music fans know this one, and I get it. It's a party song.
But, the lyrics essentially tell women that they should have sex with him by telling the story about how he once seduced a woman in his truck. It's weird.
If a random guy at the bar told you that story, you wouldn't say, "Well, I'm sold. Please take me to your vehicle so you can play me Willie Nelson songs and hook up with me, too." You'd walk the other way.
6. Spreading Rumors That Your Ex Is Gay Because You're Mad He Dumped You
"Picture To Burn" by Taylor Swift
Oh, Taylor Swift. Before she switched it up to pop music, she was the country queen of whining and blaming men for her problems. Whoever pissed her off and led to this little number was probably pretty embarrassed when she proudly announced that if he told his friends that she was obsessive (which, considering every guy she dates ends up with 1,594,925 songs written about him, could be true), she would tell her friends he is gay.
Hmm, I'm not sure if that's really an insult to him, Taylor. But the bottom line is, making a mockery of anyone's sexuality is not cool. Yet, 15-year-old girls everywhere jammed to this and made Taylor their badass idol.
7. Calling Your Children Ugly
"You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly" by Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty
Yep, that is seriously the name of the song. This one is an oldie that many people might not know, but technically, it's a love song. Basically, they're singing about how they don't have money or good looks, but they still love each other.
I mean, they're right. Looks and wealth mean nothing if you don't have what counts. The song is supposedly to be funny and adorable, but I just feel bad for the kids. (The two weren't actually a couple and had no children, so no therapy was needed.)
8. Drunk Dialing Your Ex And Begging For Him Back
"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum
This song was a huge hit when it came out. It was labelled as heartbreaking, romantic and relatable.
But in reality, if you got wasted and called your ex at a quarter after 1 in the morning — telling him you needed him back when you agreed not to contact each other — odds are, it won't work out well for you. PSA: Just because it was beautiful in a song doesn't mean you should try it.
9. Telling Your Ex That He's Better Than Your Current Boyfriend
"The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift
It probably doesn't shock you that Taylor made the list twice, right? In this song, Taylor is in a wonderful, stable relationship with a guy who treats her like gold. So naturally, she realized he actually likes having yelling matches and would like to go back to her ex.
Does she simply end things with her boyfriend and work through her crap? Of course not! She sings a song highlighting how awesome her boyfriend is, but how she would rather be with her ex because she loved him differently. Nope, that's not embarrassing at all.
The moral of the story is clear: Some things can work in music, but they will never — I repeat, never — be cute, funny, romantic or in any way acceptable in the real world.