I'm quickly approaching my 30th birthday. I haven't accomplished everything I hoped to accomplish as a young, nubile woman of the free world (I sport no diamond engagement ring on my finger, I haven't yet made my first million, and I'm not a world famous soap opera star like I had so hoped I'd be as a kid).
But I have scored something pretty damn f*cking notable.
What's that you ask? I can feel your curiosity penetrating through the static screen of my laptop.
Well here it is, kittens: I've officially made out with every sign of the zodiac. That's right, bitches, I've kissed all of you. And to say it's been a fascinating, educational experience would be the understatement of the year.
After all, aren't we a generation that looks to the stars for our answers to everything? What does our zodiac sign say about the way we fall in love? Or the kind of boyfriend or best friend we should have? Or the kind of parent we will be?
Rarely do we discuss what the zodiac says about the way we kiss. It's funny that we would overlook such an important aspect of our lives. I mean, isn't kissing just as important as our personal style, our future weddings and our top-tier career? Can you imagine a world without kissing? What kind of dismal universe would be nil of kisses?
I believe kissing is what makes this cruel, cold, dark world light the f*ck up.
So here it is, lovelies. After intensive research, I have decoded what your zodiac sign says about the way you kiss (I knew my tendency to make out with everyone and their mother would someday serve a greater purpose):
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
I have a confession to make: I love Capricorns with every fiber of my being. You're just wonderfully reliable, hyper-ambitious, fabulously organized and good-looking creatures who attain a powerful sense of resilience that I deeply admire.
And your inherent power and thirst for achievement is absolutely apparent in the way you kiss. You make us non-Capricorns feel safe in the warmth of your soft lips.
Your kisses are the opposite of a drunken sloppy mess; even when you're inebriated, you take your sweet ol' time. You use just the right amount of tongue and keep the rest of us in check if we start to run a little wild with our kisses.
You're a beautifully affectionate kisser. You do all the meltworthy things; you run your fingers through our hair and snake your arms around our waists. Getting a kiss from you leaves us feeling as if we had a massage -- relaxed and blissful.
Here is the best part: You're also extremely picky about who you choose to kiss, so receiving a lip-lock with a Capricorn is of the highest honor.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
We are in the age of the Aquarius, so water baby, this is your time to kill it in life and in kisses. You are, after all, the current leader of the zodiac, and the rest of us are looking to you to set the trends in all aspects of life (sex/making out in particular).
And I've got to give it to you; you're doing it, you sexy Aquarius babe. After all, you've always been a bit of a trailblazer -- a surefire individual who does his or her own thing. You're just taking it new heights.
You kiss in ways we've never been kissed before. You take a very sexy charge, an ownership of the kiss.
You're the kind of creature who makes the first move and lays one on us when we don't expect it. Your kisses have a domino effect: You kiss a girl or boy at the bar, and suddenly, the whole bar is making out!
You make kissing look so f*cking cool. And I thank you for that.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
No one has the sexy mysterious swagger and alluring prowess you have, my precious Pisces. Even your kisses are rich with mystery. Just the sight of your lips is super seductive to our eyes.
Before you kiss us, you most definitely eye f*ck the sh*t out of us. You don't just go in for the kill -- you make us work for it. In fact, the kiss starts before the actual kiss.
It starts when we're looking at you from the across the bar, and you begin undressing us with your eyes. You don't even need to approach us; we will ALWAYS come to you -- for you have that whole "come to me" sex appeal/swagger.
Your kisses start out surprisingly romantic and slow in pace, but quickly escalate to wildly passionate and acutely intense. Your kisses have a beginning, middle and end.
Your kisses tell a story.
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
Oh, my super lovely, vehemently untamable, gloriously adventurous, slightly-intimidating-yet-gorgeously-naïve Aries. You're one of my absolute favorites.
You kiss impulsively. You will kiss us in the middle of a bustling city street full of people. You will kiss in the middle of the woods. You might even kiss us in a bar teeming with a sea of gawking strangers.
What I love about your kisses is they leave us so sorely surprised. You've mastered the art of the sneaky little kiss -- except it's always a welcomed surprise from an Aries.
Your kisses are as wild, passionate and adventurous as you are, my sweet and sexy Aries creature.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
Not only am I a tried-and-true Taurus girl of the modern world, but I've kissed more than a few of my own kind (is that taboo?).
We are earth signs who need to feel connected to everything we do. Especially when it comes to intimacy. We don't phone our kisses in; we feel the f*ck out of them.
We don't bestow our sensual lips upon just anyone, you know. But when we trust you and decide you're worthy, we will kiss you indulgently (usually while wearing very expensive lipstick).
We are slow kissers. We get off on teasing our partners with our smooth, sensual kisses. We aren't going to aggressively stick our tongues in your mouth and have at it. Our smooth-as-honey kisses always leave you wanting (begging) for more.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
Let's get real: Geminis are pretty f*cking sexy kissers. Your ruling planet is Mercury, and you like to EXPLORE. You especially like to explore our mouths with your tongues.
You're also a twin, so you're an impressively multi-faceted kisser. You can kiss slow and sensual, hard and intense as f*ck, and aggressively sexual. You're all about exploring all kinds of kisses, in one lone makeout session.
The only trouble you run into is when you find yourself kissing a person who can't keep up with your rapid, changing pace.
You require a kissing partner who can match the unabashed, frenetic, energetic kissing vibrations that radiate from your keen lips (i.e. girls like ME, message me on Facebook), otherwise you, my lovely Gemini, will find yourself bored as f*ck.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
I've had long-term relationships with two Cancers, and let me tell you, friends, Cancers are one of the most complicated, hypersensitive signs in all of the zodiac (but you have to be complex to be a good lover).
You cancers appear hard and tough on the outside, but on the inside, you're f*cking goo. You're like a Cadbury Creme Egg.
Your softer side is expressed in your kisses. Your love is expressed through your lips. Your kisses aren't cheap barstool kisses. You kiss with f*cking soul. You write f*cking love letters in your kisses. Your kisses are f*cking deep (but not in a creepy way).
After you kiss a cancer, you will feel fully satisfied -- and even if they ARE just using you for sex, their kisses make you feel like they deeply and totally care about you (which they probably do. They care about almost everyone -- even one-night stands).
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
Leos are some of the most charismatic people in the great expanse of the mystical zodiac. You Leos have a natural swagger, what the French call "je nais se quoi."
Not only are you effortlessly sexy, you're just f*cking fun to be around. And fun = sexy.
Your kisses are perfectly playful. Your kisses tease us. Kissing you is like playing a game, except a game that leaves you hot and teeming with relentless desire.
You're the kind of kisser we could make out with at a bar all night and just have a such a f*cking blast that we want to go home with you just to see what kind of fun kinky sex toys are hiding under your bed.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
Virgos are some of the most compassionate entities you will ever meet, ever. Especially a Virgo who is secure within him or herself.
Virgos are extremely selfless and love to be of service to others. If you're lucky enough to get kissed by a darling virgo, he or she will be the kind of kisser who listens to your body and what it wants (a rare feat in this narcissistic digital age).
Virgos will follow your lead. They can read your kissing energy like a f*cking book.
If your body is begging for it to be slow and soft, a Virgo will give it to you slow and soft. If your body is begging for hardcore, hyper-sexual, lip-biting kisses -- a Virgo will give hardcore, hyper-sexual, lip-biting kisses.
Now oral sex with a virgo? That's a whole other article.
Libra (September 23 to October 22)
Libras might be seeking balance and consistency in most parts of their lives, but not necessarily in their love lives.
Libras are true romantics who have been drugged by the intoxication of the fairy tale harder than any other sign in the zodiac. They're patiently awaiting for Prince (or Princess) Charming to swoop in and take them for a midnight stallion ride into a flaming orange sunset.
A Libra's kisses are movie star kisses. You kiss beautifully -- you kiss in such a delicate way that it doesn't offend even the most conservative crowd in public.
You kiss with tenderness, never using too much tongue or embarking on painful lip-bites.
No one does the "love" kiss like a Libra.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
Oh, don't tempt me a kiss from a scorpio. You are (from my personal experience) the most powerful force of kissing nature in the entire zodiac. For a submissive kitten like me, your over-the-top dominance is a wild, insatiable turn-on.
A kiss from a Scorpio is aggressive. A Scorpio will bite your bottom lip and press you up against a wall. Your lips will be swollen and sore after a kissing sesh with a scorpio.
See, Scorpios don't half-ass anything. Prepare to find yourself hot and bothered after kissing a Scorpio. You can't just walk into a civilized family dinner afterward -- you will have bright red lips and will be wet between the legs.
Hey Scorpio, looking for a single Taurus to kiss the sh*t out of? You know where to find me (wink face).
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)
Sagittarii are beaming with positive energy. You're a wonderfully rare free spirit who radiates good effing vibes.
Your kisses are joyful kisses. Your kisses are so happy, they make me want to crawl on top of you and take in all the f*cking awesome waves of happiness. You kiss aggressively, but not with the dominating aggression of scorpios.
You kiss aggressively because you can't keep your hands (or tongues) off your partner because you just can't get enough.
Also, you have this amazing, uncanny ability to kiss whomever you want to kiss. You set your sights on what you want, and you always, always get it.