While I may treat my friends as equals, at times, I subconsciously think of them as my children.
They are not children in the sense they are naive and incompetent.
Rather, I constantly feel a maternal instinct to protect them.
Nothing riles me up more than a breakup.
Breakups are never easy.
Whether you are the one dumping the person or the one being dumped, you mourn the time and love invested in a relationship that didn’t work out.
As a friend, some breakups are easier to watch than others.
If your friend was dating a piece of sh*t, you can’t wait to see him go.
If your friend was dating a genuine, sweet guy, it can be more difficult to watch him leave.
No breakup, however, is worse than the one that doesn’t last.
I had a family friend growing up who taught me a very important lesson: Once something breaks, it will never be the same.
No matter how many times you put the pieces back together, you can see the cracks and chips.
It will never be the same again.
Relationships are a lot like that.
Once you break up, it will never be the same.
You may be able to re-piece your lives back together, but you can never get back what you lost.
The jaded shards and cracks will always be present in your relationship.
Each time it ends, it will only get worse.
Even so, some couples are more willing to give it another go.
As a friend, your job is to be supportive. Do not not parent him or her, even though you may want to.
This person is an adult.
If he or she wants to act like a f*cking idiot, your friend has every legal right.
If you try to tell your friend what to do, he or she will only push you further away.
So, while your friend royally f*cks up yet again, you may find yourself with one or more of these thoughts:
1. Are you f*cking kidding me?
This will probably be one of your first thoughts after hearing the news.
After the initial shock of finding out your friend is a dumbass, you may become overwhelmed with the drama-filled relationship that is going to ensue.
“Here we are again,” you might say, as you mentally prepare for round two, three or four of this charade.
It’s time to accept your friend is as dumb as her boyfriend looks.
2. It’s not going to be any different.
She broke up with him for a reason. What makes her think he’s suddenly going to be Mr. Right?
What it comes down to is one of them thought he or she was better off without the other one.
Whether it was him or her, that's irrelevant.
What it comes down to is they weren’t compatible for the long haul.
Why is she wasting her time on someone who clearly isn’t “the one?” How can she be so foolish?
3. Does this mean you can’t talk sh*t about him anymore?
You really enjoyed bonding over the fact you both didn’t like her ex.
Now that she's gotten back with him, it is going to change everything.
After all those hours spent discussing why her ex is a literal piece of sh*t, she's suddenly ready to jump his bones again?
Why did you bother surprising her with all her favorite treats and movies, if she was just going to flip-flop on her decision like a politician's opinion on the death penalty?
As far as you're concerned, her emotional security was both a time and monetary investment.
You will never get back the countless hours and dollars you spent to make her feel okay.
Maybe it’s her turn to buy you a pizza and a six-pack.
You need to be comforted over the loss of what had recently been your single friend. Sigh.
4. You were supposed to do “single” things.
Sure, your routine would not have changed all that much.
But, every activity you two would have done together would have been done against patriarchy.
Instead of eating ice cream, you would have been eating ice cream single.
Think about how much better that ice cream would have tasted.
You know what it would have tasted like? Freedom.
Nothing tastes better than freedom, damn it.
At the very least, her stories would have been a lot more interesting.
Instead of beginning and ending every sentence with “my boyfriend,” she would have actually said things you could relate to.
5. What happens when it ends and they break up again?
You can’t listen to her complain about the same sh*t over and over again.
How are you supposed to find the strength and resilience to comfort her the way you did the first time?
Before, you would jump at the bit to be there for her.
Now, you have less incentive.
Why are you going to do this all over again, if she's just going to insult you by asking for advice she's never going to listen to?
You understand relationships are complicated, but how about she just calls you when they're breaking up for good?
6. You can’t talk about her relationship problems anymore.
You legitimately cannot talk about this anymore.
You could literally transcribe three testaments' worth of grievances, but she's still going to take him back anyway.
As your teacher in college would say, “You’re beating a dead horse.”
7. Is she going to make him her "number one" again?
You get you probably can’t compete with her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend.
For one, you don’t have the sort of equipment (wink) to satisfy her needs, and you're sure the two of them had plans for marriage and kids in the future.
You get that as you two get older, you may start to drift further and further apart as the needs of your significant others take precedence over those of your friends.
You understand, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s difficult being friends with someone who doesn’t make you a priority.
It’s harder to walk away because your friend is still the same amazing person you love.
At the same time, how many times can you make someone a priority when he or she won’t even give you the time of day?
When the two of them broke up, she expected you to make her your number one priority.
Why would you do that when she spent that last year proving you weren't one of hers?
Breakups suck, whether they are yours or not.
You may actually find you feel stronger about your friend’s breakup than your own.
Let's face it: When your friend breaks up, you do, too.
When your friend is in an on-and-off thing, it can be difficult to know what to do.
It may almost feel like she's crying emotional wolf.
But the thing about crying wolf is, if you do it long enough, people stop listening.