Guess what, babes? Certain right-wing, "straight" (anyone else think people who feel the need to celebrate "straight pride" are total jealous closet gays?) conservative fuckboys on Twitter have decided that this lovely summer day, June 29, is Heterosexual Pride Day.
I mean, truth be told, I do sort of get it. We lowly queer kids have had an exorbitant amount of media attention this month. First there was the Orlando massacre, the worst terrorist attack in our country since 9/11, specifically targeted toward our LGBTQ+ community. Damn, we really did own that pretty bright spotlight for about two solid weeks after that, didn't we?
Suddenly we were quoted in major publications, the faces of our lost loved ones graced the glossy pages of more pop culture magazines than ever before and for seven to 14 long days, heterosexual editors and writers were forced to write about our kind in mainstream publications. And we all know it's a lot to ask a mainstream publication to take a pause from reporting on pressing hetero issues like Trump, the Kardashians and Taylor Swift's new bae.
I know you "get it." 49 innocent, beautiful people tragically lost their lives and an entire community was rendered heartbroken and devastated, but come on. You did your part. It's time to move on! Put the straight boys and pretty white girls back on the cover of the magazines, like it's always been.
Then, of course, we gays had the nerve to tarnish your "safe" city streets with an endless stream of glitter, tons of equality stickers and all those obnoxiously bright rainbow flags, didn't we? You probably still have a little bit of glitter still stuck to the bottom of your $300 Cole Haan loafers and I agree, that's a total pain in the ass.
Enough is enough. You've been forced to at least pretend to celebrate our tiny little subculture for almost a month now and the time has come to take back what's rightfully yours: mainstream attention. Because homosexuality is a counter culture movement, right? And it's time us gays went underground once again.
I don't blame you for feeling the need to have #heterosexualprideday. I even tweeted in your defense.
It must be incredibly alienating to walk down the street with the freedom to hold your wife's hand, without the pressing fear of getting the shit kicked out of you, being sexually harassed or getting jumped. I can't imagine how hard it was in high school to be able to have a girlfriend or boyfriend that wasn't a secret.
See, my friends and I were forced to keep our high school lovers super top secret, otherwise we would have risked incessant bullying, daily beatings and being left friendless during those years. I had one friend who had his jaw dislocated and another who had two ribs broken and another who committed suicide because they dared to be open about their sexuality.
So yeah, I can only wonder how difficult the prom was for you. I'm sure getting to bring your high school sweetheart to the homecoming was really overwhelming.
It must be really exhausting to NOT have to attend endless rallies for your basic human rights, to never have had to fight the system just to marry the person you love, to be born into the right gender, to never ever have to worry that mentioning your partner in the workplace will leave you alienated or maybe even fired.
To never have had a terrorist break into your safe haven, your home, the one place you could love openly and murder 49 beautiful members of your family.
Before you get too excited about #heterosexualpride, maybe consider thinking about this.
Unless the issue is really just this (which I have a little hunch it just might be).
Don't worry, my poor straight comrades, Pride month is over tomorrow and you'll be back in the glorious limelight once again. Pretty soon, all the hype will blow over and it will be OK for you to harass my girlfriend and I for holding hands in the streets again. How dare us queers think that we could maybe show our affection for one another, safely in public, forever?