And here guys thought that they were the grosser of the two genders. Let me tell you a little secret: Girls are gross, and we have the texts to prove it.
Sure, guys talk about the standard gross stuff: getting laid, taking a dump and sending pictures of it, showing screenshots of a hot sext and the occasional, “Does this look like an ingrown or what?” text.
Females on the other hand show absolutely no mercy in the amazingness that is a group text. This isn't amateur hour. When I get a *buzz* on my phone, there's no telling what that text might say, or show. You have to be ready for anything.
1. Poop – SO. MUCH. POOP.
“I haven't pooped since I got to his place three days ago. Am I going to explode?” “I took the healthiest poop of all time. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.” “It's just like little pebbles. What is this? Rabbit turds?” “Y'all, I just swiped on the hottest dude as I sat on the toilet.”
Some girls pretend they don't poop, but most girls find the topic of poop to be the most interesting of all. We want to know if our girlfriends are staying healthy, of course. We all do it. Need to secretly poop at your boyfriend's place? Group text it. That's the only way we know how to survive.
Secret revealed: Turn the sink on, lay toilet paper on the water before going and pray to God it isn't after Chipotle.
This might be an obvious choice for topic of conversations in a group text, but men don't even realize half the stuff we actually go through during this time. I'm in group texts with my two best friends, and we all just so happen to have synced periods. Triple the empathy, triple the “I want to punch (insert name here) in the face” texts.
Most of our conversations during the days leading up to Mother Nature's red gift involve how much food we need to stuff down our throats and how f*cking tired we are. The conversations during our period are usually the juiciest -- no pun intended. They usually involve how bad we want to bang our boyfriends and also how badly we want to bite their heads off.
There are usually a lot of red-themed emojis, GIFs of women crying and extreme wishing this happened only once a year.
You didn't think all we talked about were brunch plans and our boobs, did you?
“How big was it?” “It looked like it was about to poke me in the face.” “HE HAS THE GREATEST PENIS OF ALL TIME.”
Just as men care about boobs and butts, we care about your penis. We care about what it can do, what it looks like and where it's going. And we are going to talk about it. A lot.
Sidebar: Just because we talk about them, doesn't mean we want you send us pictures of them.
4. Screenshots from other conversations.
“What do you think he means by 'you're so cute?' Like, does he really think I'm cute, or just saying that to be nice?” “My mom is such a bitch sometimes.” “OMG I <3 HIM SO MUCH. Y HE SO GOOD TO ME?”
The day we stop taking screenshots of our conversations and ask for opinions on them to our group text is the day WE DIE. I can't trust myself to make decisions on my own.
Do you know how much I get inside my own head? I need my girlfriends to bring me back down to reality.
I have more screenshots on my photo library than I care to admit. BRB, going to delete all of them right now.