Last week, while I was sifting through my Facebook messages (I'm, like, so popular), I came across a series of messages from a 60-year-old Italian man. And when I say a series, I mean a long series. Like, there were 30 messages.
This elderly man has been sending me pictures of his dong practically weekly for the last year.
Just for a moment, let's forget about the fact he's three times my age, and that he's sending these low-quality photos through social media, which undoubtedly qualifies as sexual harassment. Let's focus on the real issue here: Dick pics are f*cked up.
Generally speaking, there are two categories of pictures. The first is meant to lure you in. He's trying to entice you. He's saying, "Look at me and my huge burrito! Come and get it!"
The second is obviously meant to keep you interested. He's saying, "Hope you didn't forget about this guy! Check out my boner!"
To the first group: I don't know one single girl who changed her mind about a guy because of a well-photographed wang. If she wants to sleep with you, she will. If she doesn't, she won't. Your picture isn't helping your odds at all. (But if you want to talk about actual burritos, count me in.)
And to the second: Sorry to break the news to you, but unless your willy is close enough to me (proximity wise) to actually penetrate me, I don't want to see it. I don't care about what it looks like; I will never look at a photo of your Johnson before, during or after I masturbate. Congrats on your boner, though.
What's more, the quality of dick pics is appalling. I've seen them all. So, before you say to yourself, "My God! This girl really collects these things!" you must realize that dick pics are communal. They're shared, passed around.
I've seen a dude sitting on his filthy couch with sweatpants around his ankles, and his Xbox controller and a bag of Cheetos visible next to him. No degree of curvature can save you from that pathetic backdrop, pal.
I've seen a man at his office with his starchy button-up and trousers completely off. They were off at his office, in the middle of the day. I mean, I get it. You clearly have a pretty high-ranking job within your company if you have the privacy and time to just whip out your egg roll and have a photo shoot before lunchtime. At least you don't work in a cubicle.
But, I still don't want to f*ck you.
I've seen guys playing with angles and lighting more than Kim K. I've seen someone standing in front of a full-length mirror with his pants, shirt and hat on, and his meat stick just sticking out of his unzipped jeans. He was holding it like a Chicago-style hot dog. Why? Why?
I've seen a man straddling a toilet in a public restroom stall trying to snap a quick pic. Another guy was in his own bathroom, taking a selfie in a mirror that's splattered with f*cking toothpaste.
Pull yourselves together, men. Put your peckers away. Sh*t, I don't care if you're an actual penis model and you're in a f*cking photo studio. Just do not send any of them to me.
This new form of dick-rative (I had to) "art" is so far from the masterpieces created by ancient Greek sculptors. At least those guys had something to show off. (In case you were wondering, I literally searched "statues with big dicks" to verify the region from which they most frequently came).
I get it; you're proud. Good for you. You have confidence. I like it. But, please spare me. Force me to wait for the real thing. Leave something to the imagination.
What happened to the chase? To foreplay? It's like you're passing me a note that says, "I like you. Do you like me?" with a "yes" and a "no" box. But instead, you're passing me a photo of your hard-on. And your girl is going to have to go with "no."