I’m about to blow up every Coachella-Instagramming-Vine-star-in-the-making’s spot: On some level, we’re all a bunch of narcs. And true-to-form, we want everyone to know it.
Behind every post is a hint of self-promotion. Don’t lie to yourself. Why else would you Snapchat that picture of yourself sitting bored at work? It’s clearly not because you’re doing anything great -- it’s because you think you look great.
A good hair day didn’t happen unless it’s captured on Instagram. (And don’t try disguising the narc-factor by posing with someone else when you’re clearly looking better... It takes one to know one.)
A funny thought must be shared with the rest of the world because look at me! I’m funny! (But seriously, I think I really am @LARGTwITS).
And if you’re frequenting the same hotel that Jeremy Piven checked into last week, well then people are gonna hear about it. (This actually never happened, but if it did, I would totally find a way to post about it... maybe like here).
The very idea of “following” someone gives self-centered individuals the validation that the public is paying attention to them. We all play into each other’s self-absorption.
If snapping selfies are not-so-subtle displays of narcissism, what does it mean when we upload them to social channels for everyone to look at and admire?
Before all you self-involved and flustered people get defensive (natch), remember this is just for fun. And you can find me shamelessly repping myself on most of these (hint, hint).
Here’s the kind of narcissist you are based on your favorite form of social media:
Instagram: You think you are really pretty
(To be spoken like Regina George, obvs.) Instagram is especially important for visual learners like myself who need to be shown that you are drop-dead-gorgeous instead of told on OKCupid.
Instagram-whores fully believe that their beauty alone makes them special and worthy of following (in the case of Emily Ratajkowski, this is true).
As such, they love posting kissy-faced selfies with some sort of random prop, like a mug, to be all “this isn’t a picture of me really, it’s about this mug y’all!” You’re not fooling anyone.
Instanarcs are so obsessed with their image (literally) that they will even take down the photos that don’t garner enough likes.
Other hobbies include celebrating every TBT with a gratuitous baby pic, pictures of sunsets (with the person conveniently in them), and the X-Pro II filter, which is just like, a godsend after this winter we’ve been having.
Facebook: You think you are Confucius
People who love writing statuses on Facebook like they’re leaving some sort of mark on the world think they have the most insightful shizz to say.
They’re the type of people who go on Facebook solely to look at themselves or to accept a friend request (obviously, we’re talking about narcs here, readers!).
The Facebook narc likes to stay up into the wee hours of the night and post lengthy, barely coherent sentences about their “late night musings” that sound way more poetic in their heads than online.
Accordingly, when they feel anything -- wronged, sad, happy -- they’ll be sure to update their statuses complete with the appropriate emoticon. Their wall reads like a tween girl’s Blogspot from 2008. And in many ways, their behaviors are similar as well.
Twitter: You think you are really witty
So, you told a funny joke once and someone said you should tweet it and now you’re blowing up everyone’s feed with countless attempts at trying to be that funny again.
Twitter narcs loves hearing themselves talk and will tweet things just for the self-contribution to society. They say things like, “Wait, say that again. I need to tweet it,” and actually mean it.
They’ll even go so far as to troll Seth Rogen or some no-name-comic’s handle just to steal some humor and use it for their own account. You know who you are.
Foursquare: You think you run sh*t
Foursquare narcs receive special badges like “The Mayor” and actually take it seriously. They think they own the place just because they’ve been to Shake Shack four times in one week. PSA: This doesn’t make you the boss, this makes you wickedly unhealthy.
Those obsessed with Foursquare love showing off to their poor friends just how much money they can spend on a watered-down cocktail at Avenue. The only thing they love more than “checking in” is the scene.
Foursquare narcs love status-markers, such as geotags, labels and brand names. Catching them on sites like Gilt City and Groupon is the equivalent of social suicide.
LinkedIn: You think you’re really ‘effing smart
Now that no one handwrites letters anymore, you’re going to need a way to tell people that you are Doctor Smith, not Mister Smith.
Thank goodness for LinkedIn -- everyone will finally appreciate how hard you’ve worked since your first unpaid internship at your Daddy’s Fortune 500 company!
The LinkedIn narc loves boasting about her PhD almost as much as she does her new job promotion. Their favorite part of the social media site is the “Who’s Viewed Your Profile” section where they can pretend like quasi-professional people are actually interested in them.
Vine: You think you are a celebrity
Movie stars are famous because they made over 70 minutes of quality film, not seven seconds. And yet, there is such a thing as “Vine Stars” who genuinely believe their lives should be captured on camera.
Some are even deluded into thinking that their animals deserve to be famous as well. Vine narcs will turn into their own version of "The Hills" and replay moments just to catch them again for the cameras. Is that paparazzi we see after you? Oh no, it’s just your own self.
Pinterest: You think you have really good taste
The Pinterest narc believes she starts the trends before they become “cool” like floral hippie headbands and pastel nail polish.
When they pin an image, they are effectively saying, “Back off from this bedspread, I saw it first!” The Pinterest Queen thinks she is an interior decorator, stylist and tastemaker all around.
She wholeheartedly believes that there are other people on the web looking at her board and feeling completely inspired by her creativity. She would be wrong.
Tumblr: You think you are really deep
No one understands you so the only social media you engage with is Tumblr. Tumblr narcs are just like, way too deep and way too introspective and way too REAL compared to all the basic b*tches in this cruel world.
They like posting dark quotes from philosophers so that everyone can know just how profound their Google searches are.
YouTube: You think you are really creative
Hello, didn’t anyone tell you that the market on YouTube celebrities is now fully saturated? Those who favor the video-sharing site think they are so much more innovative than everyone else if only for the fact that they continue to post features of them singing, dancing and acting as if no one else has seen a crappy homemade video before.
Snapchat: You think you are better than everyone else
Someone sends you a Snapchat of themselves at the beach and so what do you do in return? You one-up them with a Snapchat of your flat abs in a bikini in an H&M dressing room. And you let it sit on your timeline just to really let it sting.
Google +: You are not impressing anyone
Favoring Google+ means you give up.
Photo Courtesy: Flickr