Drinking, Dating And Dipping Out: What College Really Taught Me
We have all seen those memes depicting what high school or college didn't teach us: how to pay my taxes, how to mortgage a house, how to set up a 401k, how to vote, what political parties are, how to balance a checkbook, how to pay off loans after graduation and how to jump a car. But, I'm so glad I know the f*cking pythagorean theorem.
College teaches us all these random facts, especially in our undergrad years, which will not help us become functioning adults. They teach us how to memorize a bunch of dates and formulas we cram in our heads for a midterm or final, and then forget the second we walk out the classroom.
Our professors, for the most part, forget to educate us on that list of things we need to survive in the real world, the essential tasks we need to be able to accomplish if we ever want to be considered true “adults” in our parents’ eyes.
But, please, let me tell you what college did teach me. Let me lay out for you the endless activities I was expected to partake in and become an expert at while living out those four glorious years that so many people dub as the “best years of their lives.”
Let me know if any of these things have helped you further your career or be more successful at life because I think all college taught me was how to be a really good, functioning, low-key alcoholic who could slam out a 10-page paper about a whole lot of nothing in one single night.
How To Do A Keg Stand
I would seriously love to know when else I can use this fabulous trick I learned in college. I mean, I'm not going to lie, I can do a keg stand for longer than most.
But is that going to impress my boss? I think not.
How To Shotgun A Beer
I don’t even understand what genius thought this one up. Like, yeah, let’s stab a beer with a sharp point, flip the lid and chug that sh*t while beer spills all over our faces and clothes. Super classy!
How To Be An Expert At Beer Pong And Flip Cup
During my undergrad days, beer pong was like a sport at every party. There were lists, brackets and tournaments, and it totally upped your street cred if you were a badass at any of these games.
I'm not sure how being able to expertly sink a ping-pong ball into a red Solo cup helps us in the real world, but we did look cool doing it.
How To Day Drink
Oh lord, day drinking takes a special kind of talent.
I bow down to anyone who can hold it together after a long day of bottomless mimosas, bloody marys and jungle juice while poolside, lake side, beach side or simply running around your apartment complex with your friends acting like complete idiots.
If you can’t handle me at my day drunk, I don’t blame you one bit!
How To Then Rally Into The Night
And if you can get your sh*t together and continue drinking into the night after a whole day of drinking, you deserve a motherf*cking crown, my friend. It's slop city for most individuals when trying to master the art of rallying.
How To Master The Art Of “Casual Dating”
I wish I could warn all of the sweet, innocent incoming freshman about how royally f*cked over they are going to be by any boy they even remotely think they may be “dating.”
No guy in college wants to date you, and chances are if they say they are down, they’re lying to you and sleeping with a lot of other chicks. College guys are the masters of “casually dating,” aka having their cake and eating it, too.
Be safe, and don’t expect too much from college relationships.
How To Procrastinate
If college teaches us anything at all, it's how to procrastinate like it’s your job.
"Oh, I have a 10-page paper due tomorrow? Let me first clean my apartment, paint my nails and catch up on all the TV I missed this past week. Let me do anything but write this paper. Saving it until two hours before it's due sounds like a really great thing for my anxiety and overall psychosis."
How To Rock The Sh*t Out Of Any Themed Party
What’s a 401k? Sh*t if I know; go ask your mom! But if you need help making a costume out of a trash bag for an ABC party, I’m your girl!
Themed parties were every girl’s excuse to wear next to nothing, and for every guy to not have a shirt on. Needless to say, I got really good at sewing in college. I guess that’s a valuable life skill, if I were 100 and in a knitting club.
How To Pull An All-Nighter
Who needs sleep? We Millennials coined the signature hashtag, #TeamNoSleep.
We were experts at chugging Red Bull and living off caffeine to make it through a rough night of cramming for that one class we maybe made it to three times the entire semester. But, we scored all the notes from our diligent friends who showed for every lecture.
We got this!
How To Survive Off Nothing But Fast Food And Mac 'n Cheese
When I think about my college diet, it physically makes me sick. I ate Del Taco two to three times a day, depending on how intoxicated or under the influence I was.
Mac and cheese was life, and peanut butter was all the protein my skinny little body needed. I mean, if anything, my malnourished diet gave me the best bod I ever had, and it probably set me on my path toward high blood sugar and diabetes.
How To Pass Out Literally Anywhere
If you didn’t sleep on someone’s floor at least one time in college, then you did college wrong, my friend. Every party person’s best trick in college was having the ability to literally fall asleep anywhere your body fell.
My ultimate example would have to be waking up on the floor of Delta Chi next to my best friend, unaware of how we got there and why we didn’t think to walk that very short block home to our own beds.
How To Make A Thousand Friends You’ll Never Talk To After Graduation
Here’s the reality of all those “best friends” you made in college: You’re probably only going to keep in touch with 12 percent of those people after you all go your separate ways.
I'm not trying to knock college friendships, but once you move back home or to another city, it’s just unrealistic to think you are going to see every single one of those people on a regular basis. But, hey, you did learn how to make friends!
How To Friend-Zone Someone
My sister and I are masters of this, and I personally think she deserves a medal for how good she is at friend-zoning. When a guy asks her out on a date via text, as most college boys do, she just opts out of that whole awkward rejection and never responds.
When she's forced to see him in person, she just pretends like it never happened: "Oh, did you send me a text? My phone has been acting up. So weird, I never got it!"
College breeds us to be total assh*les when it comes to friend-zoning our guy friends. Sorry, boys, it is what it is!
College taught us so many life lessons about drinking, how to navigate dating and, ultimately, how to bulls*t my way out of any situation in the real world.
So, yeah, maybe we can take some of this into our adult lives, but I think we are thrust into the world after graduation, naive and clueless about how to do anything even remotely responsible.
My advice to you? Google the sh*t out of all the things you are confused about, and utilize those annoying human beings we call parents as much as you can. If you can survive four years of binge drinking and no sleep, you can survive the real world.
Fight on, Gen-Y. You’ll find your way. After all, we are a resourceful group of individuals.