Our families are the foundation for our weirdness. They are the reason we are the way we are. They were the first people to know us, so they clearly know a lot about us.
And families are f*cking bizarre when no one else is around. The level of comfort that we have with our families is unlike any other. Your family literally has to love you no matter what, because you're blood-related.
I'm really close with my family. My siblings are my best friends. We frequently discuss anal sex, f*ckboys, and all of life's other adventures in our group chat, which we've named “Narnia Motherf*ckas.” Why "Narnia Motherf*ckas"? Well, that's easy.
We each identify with a different, distinct character from "The Chronicles Of Narnia." I'm Aslan, obviously.
My point is I do weird f*cking stuff with my family that they wouldn't dream of doing around other people. You never stress about crossing the line, because there is no line to be crossed. All the sh*t flies, because they've seen the sh*t go down.
Luckily, no one is alone in this. We're all collectively bizarre with our families. Here are some real people on the weird stuff they do with their families.
Read on. Laugh, cry, relate.
1. Farting contests and other trashy games aplenty.
“My family is what some would call classic rednecks. Our dinner get-togethers often include a tournament in which we take the aluminum foil off a baked potato, ball it up, and attempt to shoot it into a vase. Also, farting contests. Yes, really. Also, I have an aunt who gets drunk and uses basically anything as a party hat.”
— Maria*, 32
2. Eggplant emojis that mean something entirely different to you.
“My parents always use the eggplant emoji (paired with a heart) in our group text when they're saying 'I love you.' It started because when I was little my mom would make this amazing eggplant dish every week and it was our all-time favorite dinner. She has no idea what our twisted generation has done to this seemingly harmless vegetable emoji and I don't have the heart to tell her.”
— Ali, 23
3. The coolest families had their own languages.
“My sister, my cousins and I made up our own spoken language as kids because we were pissed that 'the grownups' spoke a dialect of Italian we were never taught. When we were little, [we used it] as 'revenge' to talk about them and scheme around them without them never knowing. Best part is we still use it today sometimes."
— Nikki, 29
“My family literally has a second language that only we understand. We all have such a weird sense of humor but it works together so perfectly. We call each other 'qwerps,' and I'm not even sure how to spell the rest of them. We also call ourselves the OLOK Nation, because our last name starts with 'Kolo.'”
— Tina, 23
4. Inside jokes are the best, especially if they're about poop.
“At any big holiday dinner or get together, if you spend awhile in the bathroom, when you come out everyone will ask if you killed the 'Ty-D-Bol man' (which is this super outdated reference to a mascot of the first automatic toilet cleaner.) Aka, if you took a massive sh*t. My family just loves talking about shitting and farting like we're talking about the weather. Even new boyfriends/girlfriends who come to family dinners are briefed before they arrive about how much my family loves talking about it.”
— Alexia, 22
5. Oh, those wonderful, f*cking strange family traditions.
“We dye the toilet water in all of the toilets green on St. Patrick's Day.”
— Chloe, 21
6. Family dinner-table talk is always so classy.
“My family and I talk about sex at the dinner table.”
— Zara, 29
7. Having a sibling means having someone to f*ck with constantly.
“My sister is a nurse, but I always pretend like she's a butt doctor. So, whenever we're in public places or like Shabbat dinner and stuff, I'll always say: 'Question: As a butt doctor, how important is it to maintain professional conduct around patients?' And then she yells about me to my mom. I also send my other sister original poems I make for her.”
— Eitan, 26
8. Poop pictures breed closeness.
“I used to send pictures of my poop to my dad whenever I ate corn. We always laughed about corn in our poop every since Fat Bastard from 'Austin Powers: Gold Member' said, 'Hey, I didn't eat any corn!'”
— Evan, 26
9. This is so freaky to think about, but then you think about it and it seems fine.
“When I stay at my mom's, she insists on me sleeping in her bed with her, but we're basically BFFs, so it's not that weird.”
— Jessica, 23
10. Families who sh*t together stay together.
“My family is like weirdly into talking about our sh*tting habits. Like, I swear it's probably 75 percent of our everyday conversations. When I was home with my boyfriend last month, I even told my sister how constipated he was, because we have no boundaries. She brought him some fiber gummies and said, 'Here, take these.' He was pissed at me but got over it.”
— Rina, 27