A couple of weekends ago, my mom flew from California to visit me, and something very interesting began happening. What was happening, you ask? Oh, I was just casually turning into a child with every passing moment I spent with my mom.
I'm by no means perfect. I don't feel like an “adult” at all. Not in any sense of the word. But I think I do a decent job at faking adulting. I pay my bills, I hold down a nine-to-five job, and I like to think of myself as somewhat emotionally stable. But adulting all goes to sh*t the minute my mother comes to town.
When my mom arrived on Saturday morning, I was hungover -- something sans-mom Candice has dealt with before without feeling the need to cry. But no, not this Candice. This Candice woke up NEEDING her mom. It was like nothing could make anything better until she got there. So she finally arrived, and what did I do as soon as we hugged? Burst into tears. I'm talking insane Niagara Falls-level waterworks. Like a straight-up baby.
This was just the beginning of a long series of pathetic behaviors I resorted to while she was here. And don't even get me started on the visceral fear I had for the day she would leave me to fend for myself again.
Anyway, I did a lot of reflecting on this weird time in my life and here are the 20 ways we regress when our moms come to town.
1. You feel the need to defend every choice you've ever made.
From your “gaudy” throw pillows right now to the dress you wore to junior prom that she said looked “trashy,” you NEED her to understand that you are right and she is wrong.
2. You start bringing up fights from years ago.
Because, seriously, why was it necessary for her to call your prom dress tacky in the first place?! Like, you were SIXTEEN. Isn't anyone at that age already insecure enough!?
3. You find yourself desperately needing her approval on your current lifestyle.
No, mom, I don't live on the Upper East Side, but THERE ARE OTHER NICE PARTS OF NEW YORK CITY TOO. Just because I don't have the same zip code as Blair Waldorf doesn't mean I'm going to get mugged at gunpoint every night.
4. You leave your wallet at home everywhere you go.
Why would I need money or identification or literally any of my life's essentials when I've got her to take care of me like her little baby angel girl that I am?
5. You feel wild doing perfectly legal socially acceptable things.
Suddenly drinking and having sex and drinking alcohol turns into a Grade-A scandal.
6. You get anxious at the thought of separating from her.
Just the very thought of falling asleep not wrapped up in her loving, welcoming arms is horrifying. How have I been doing it for so long!?
7. You start asking her permission to do things.
“Mom! Do you care if I go out with my friends after dinner tonight?”
“You are 22 years old…”
8. You are constantly spewing tears over things absolutely not worth shedding tears over.
Pasta didn't come out the way you liked it? Friends don't want to hang out with you next Tuesday? Just the slightest tinge of sadness is an excuse for full-blown TEARS.
9. You have this feeling that she is the only person who can understand you.
“MOM!! Why does my stomach hurt?” “MOM!! Why am I sad right now??” She has known me since DAY ONE. Who will understand how I am feeling at any given moment throughout the day better than her?!
10. You forget how to clean.
It's not that I necessarily forget how to clean. It's more like, how can I ever clean better than her? How can I ever make my sheets just quite as fluffy and delicious smelling as she does?
11. You forget how to do any and all adult things by yourself.
It's just like, why would I do my own taxes when she could do them for me? And, for that matter, why would I order at a restaurant when she could do it for me? Or make my own doctor's appointments?
12. You start being a mean, spoiled brat just for the sake of it.
Like suddenly this dormant monster wakes up inside of me and I just start saying mean things I don't even actually want to say. They just keep spewing out of me.
13. You have at least one absolute meltdown.
At one point (for me it's usually the minute she hugs me), every thing I have been even remotely upset about since the last time I saw her piles up and comes pouring out of me in an absolute total freakout.
14. You want her to buy you sh*t.
“Mom I swear it will be my 23rd birthday, Persian New Year, and Christmas present all combined.”
15. You forget that you have the option of saying no to her.
And then your friends get mad at you for being a giant weenie.
16. You get super weird about drinking.
As in you have two options: Get WASTED on the wine while you're out to dinner because it's so ~bad~ or stay dead sober because you feel like a fetus who does not reserve the right to drink.
17. You start deleting texts like you're in high school and she might see.
Mom can't see the pics from last night that people are blowing up my phone with!! What if she grounds me?!
18. You literally cannot stop snuggling her.
It's like just her touch melts all of my problems away.
19. You feel this need for her to like all of your friends.
“So, Mom, who was your favorite? Actually, who were your favorites in order?”
20. You sit back and let her make every decision for you.
Because why would I even bother wasting mental energy on what I want to eat for dinner when she could just make that decision for me?