Today, I am Candice Jalili, adult and functioning member of society. Tomorrow, I will go back home to San Francisco where I suddenly revert to Candice Jalili, totally incapable fetus.
When I go home for the holidays, every adult skill I’ve worked so hard to develop while living on my own goes right out the window. I depend on my parents to do everything for me, from cook my meals to rationalize my emotions. And I know you do this, too.
So here they are, the 23 things we all forget how to do the minute we go back home for the holidays.
1. How to cook
But, mom, WHY would I even bother when I have your delicious home-cooked meals to munch on for my entire stay? And, I mean, it seems to make you so happy to make me a sandwich or bring me a snack. I'll just hang out here on the couch and avoid the kitchen altogether.
2. How to do your own laundry
If I leave my dirty underwear in a pile in the corner of my childhood bedroom, SOMEONE will clean them for me eventually, right?
3. How to be emotionally stable
DAD, YOU BOUGHT WHEAT BREAD INSTEAD OF SLICED SOURDOUGH?!!?!!?!!?!? YOU KNOW I LOVE SLICED SOURDOUGH!! *cue hysterical sobs*
4. How to get up and actually get yourself a glass of water
But the kitchen is so faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.
5. How to exercise
Why would I engage in any activity that involves me getting off the couch where I’m being spoon-fed home-cooked meals in my jammies?
6. How to drink responsibly
Yes, I’m fully aware that I am over 21 years old and can easily go to the store and get myself some fresh alcohol to sip on responsibly. But why do that when I can tap into my five-year-old high school stash and take pulls like mom is going to walk in any second and ground me?
7. How to dress like a functioning member of society
My home uniform consists of sweats and sweats only. I’m talking sweatshirt/sweatpants groutfit, and maybe some fuzzy slippers and a robe I’ve owned since middle school if I’m feeling a little chilly.
8. How to clean up after yourself
Sorry that my room looks like a tornado hit it, but I have literally forgotten how to pick things up off the floor and put them in a closet. It takes a lot of effort and I am very fragile. Please leave me alone.
9. How to do the dishes
Wait, leaving them in the sink DOESN’T count as doing them!?!
10. How to buy anything for yourself
Mom!! I’m going to the store. Can I have some money please?
11. How to drive
Mom!! I’m going to the store. Can you drive me please?
12. How to take care of yourself mentally
It’s like years and years of therapy go straight out of the window with one trip back to the homeland. All of a sudden, all your "issues" are back in full force and your lucky family gets to deal with them!
13. How to not be in high school anymore
OMG did you see how fat Matt Jacobson got!?!? He was always such a piece of sh*t loser. It was only a matter of time. I really care about all these people all of a sudden.
14. How to be friends with your siblings
Sure, we're friends as adults in the real world. But here we are, no longer in the real world and no longer adults, so my siblings are once again the sweater-stealing archnemeses I grew up with.
16. How to make a decision for yourself
Wait, but Mom, do you like this nail color!? Wait, Dad, do I want the cheeseburger or the prime rib?
17. How to stay awake
Eight pm!?! HOLY SH*T, TIME TO HIT THE HAY! My afternoon nap was barely 3 hours long.
18. How to hang out with people other than mom and dad
Oh…so you guys want me to go to a bar with like, people my age and stuff?! No thanks.
19. How to speak like you do normally
Suddenly I have picked up my foreign parents’ dialects and have completely forgotten that I was born and raised in the United States.
20. How to do any activity that involves you leaving the house for more than one hour
A MOVIE?!!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!?! That’s like an hour and a half AT LEAST off of my precious couch.
21. How to eat like a normal human being
You know, like a health-conscious human being with table manners and stuff.
22. How to do things without permission from Mom and Dad
Hey guys, I know I’m 22 years old and have my own career and salary but do you mind if I go to my friend’s down the street for a couple hours? I’ll be home in time for dinner!
23. How to be social
Interacting with the world that exists outside of this home is just far too exhausting. I am a fetus and this home is my womb.
What basic functional human stuff do you forget how to do when you come home for the holidays? Let's discuss.