This past weekend, I went out with a group of good friends. We did the things normal 20-somethings do: got dolled up, got drunk as hell and partied the night away.
As I spun around in my kitten heels and whipped my hair back and forth, I noticed something. My friends weren’t all curse-spitting, vomiting, falling-over-themselves, ratchet messes. They were simply all amplified versions of their sober selves.
We're told there's one kind of drunk: the graceless moron who won't remember anything the next morning. That's the stereotype, and that's the kind of drunk we spend one drink after another climbing toward.
But the assumption is wrong. The thing is, I never realized how many different kinds of drunks there were until I actually wrote out all of the possibilities.
1. The Physically Clumsy Drunk
You’re the drunk portrayed in every TV show wedding and by every leading single lady in a romantic comedy. You get hammered, fall everywhere, sprain a wrist or two and then swear off drinking for the rest of eternity.
That is, until you start drinking the following weekend.
2. The Mentally Incoherent Drunk
You slur your words slower than your grandma can walk, but you still get an A for effort. Also, it's fun to record voice notes of your dumb-as-f*ck rambles.
It’s a shame you like to drink so much, though, because you’re incidentally one of the most well-read people anyone has ever had the pleasure of knowing.
3. The Einstein Drunk
You’re not usually the sharpest tool in the shed, but when you’re drunk, you’re able to whip out the most obscure facts: the width of the Taj Mahal, the size of King Tut’s tomb, the distance from the sun to Pluto (before it became a non-planet).
Unfortunately for you, you don’t know where to find an encyclopedia when you’re sober.
4. The Assh*le Drunk
Woah, woah, woah. Where is all this coming from? You know I love cats, and NOW you’re going to tell me how much you hate them? I did NOT know how much of your days you spent suppressing your hatred for cats, and your hatred for my love of cats.
You’re always entertaining, though. Keep it up.
5. The Play-It-Cool Drunk
I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but you’re the kind of drunk who knows how to suppress every single carnal desire for that guy you’ve loved since you knew what it meant to love.
Your efforts are fruitless -- y’know because he’s got a girlfriend and all -- but that ain’t no thang to you. You’d third-wheel the both of them just to smell him.
6. The Cookie Monster Drunk
For whatever reason, you don’t go for drunk pizza like the rest of your crew. You crave sweets like chocolate is going out of style, so you usually end the night at the corner bakery by yourself, and then proceed to cry into a cookie cake in your bed because you're really, really, really single.
F*ck, now I want a cookie.
7. The Good Listener Drunk
Friends have always pegged you as a good listener (isn’t that what makes a good friend a good friend in the first place?), but you have no problem keeping your mouth shut and being the quiet one in a three-hour-long heart-to-heart.
Your drunk selflessness is underrated, for sure.
8. The Rockefeller Drunk
Usually, you’re cheap as hell. But get some Jameson in you, and you’re ready to buy the entire bar a round -- er, make that two -- of shots.
The drunker you get, the more you’ll make it rain with free alcohol.
9. The Shy-Guy-Turned-Artist Drunk
Sober you only talks when you’re talked to. But not only do you become the life of the party when drunk, but you become the best singer, the best rapper or the best dancer on the dance floor. Your inner Adele and/or Kendrick Lamar comes out, and you blow everyone the f*ck away.
10. The Stone-Cold-Sober Drunk
Yo, I really feel for you if this is the kind of drunk you are. No matter how much you drink, you just cannot…get…drunk. You take the Rockefeller Drunk on his offer for the fourteenth free shot because you figure that’s what’ll finally put you over the edge. But alas, it does not.
So you spend most of the evening with your chin resting on your palm, rolling your eyes at everyone else who’s having a damn good time.
11. The I'm-Drinking-To-Text-My-Ex Day-Drunk
This one is specific to being day-drunk, because unlike night-drunk -- which you usually get because you’re looking to have a good time with your besties -- you can’t help but use day drinking as a mere excuse to send that text to your ex that you’ve been wanting to send forever.
12. The I'm-Not-Leaving-Without-Getting-Into-A-Barfight Drunk
You’re no jiu-jitsu master, but you feel the need to throw punches at complete innocents (no, but seriously, that dude wasn’t trying to steal your girl).
Anyway, you feel the need to prove a point. And yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. You GTL, and you just really need to validate your worth by showing off your guns.
13. The Horny AF Drunk
Ok, so typically, you’re not an ubersexual being. I mean, you’re sexual, but not any more than your standard human being. But once the liquor flows through your veins and makes its home there, you will make it your night's mission to find a guy to go home with.
Ugly, hot, doesn't matter. Anything with a penis will do.
14. The Wild Card Drunk
This one is dangerous because you never know what kind of person you'll turn into once you start drinking. It could be one of the above, or it could be all of the above. I don’t know which is worse, but neither of the options are stellar.
Still, no two nights are the same for you, so that's always nice.
15. The “When I’m Done, I’m Done” Drunk
You won't attend the after party because you know your limits so much better than the rest of us. You’ll wake up the following morning feeling good enough to hit the gym and laugh at the rest of us hungover idiots.
Your go-to move is the classic Irish Exit, you sly, sly bastard. And for that, I tip my hat off to you.